


The Silence

by MackenzieC



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Love Triangles, Unplanned Pregnancy, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:34:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 48,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23945509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MackenzieC/pseuds/MackenzieC
Summary: You find yourself in a situation you never thought you would find yourself in. Your super soldier boyfriend has broken your heart.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader
Comments: 231
Kudos: 319





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted to my Tumblr @wintersoldierissucharide

You lie awake staring at the ceiling. The weight of your blanket holding your body down. The weight of your thoughts trapping you where you lay. You had wanted to sleep, desperately wanted to sleep but with the thoughts running through your head there was no way that was going to happen. This was the third week in a row that you had lay awake each and every night. Your breathing is slow, and steady. Your hands on your chest feeling the rise and fall of each breath. You looked straight ahead, staring at the cream ceiling. The thoughts flying around your mind. You try to control your breathing, but as the thoughts began to race you could feel your chest getting tighter, and you needed to get out of the bed and give up on sleep. The blanket pulled slightly and you turned to your right. There he lay, fast asleep, his mind not playing tricks on him, like yours currently was. He looked so at peace. You can hear his gentle breath, his soft snores, the sign that he was in a deep sleep, so deep it was almost mocking you. You stare at him, his back to you, the physical barrier between the two of you. He had no problem sleeping next to you, he had no idea what was going on with the two of you. He was one word. Oblivious. You could feel the frustration rising from your stomach, and you knew you had to leave the bed before you screamed. Your feet hit the floor, and you pulled the blanket back covering the empty space you now left. You take one moment to look over to him before you leave the room, he was still sleeping soundly, your absence making no difference to his slumber. You wander to the kitchen and as quietly as you can you begin to make yourself a hot chocolate. Stirring the milk in the pan you begin to replay yet another silent evening over in your mind. He, your super soldier boyfriend had been held up at work yet again. You had sat alone waiting for him to return. The last month had the same pattern. Bucky would go to work, you would go to work. You would return from work, make dinner and wait for him to appear. He would appear late, shower and then the two of you would go to bed. Bucky would kiss you good night, and then roll over, his back to you immediately. His snores audible before you had even begun to settle. 

It had not always been like this. The two of you had an incredible relationship. Or you did. Now? Now you have a relationship with a cold bed, insomnia and your thoughts. You craved the distance from him, the physical distance to make up for the emotional distance as he slipped further away from you. You knew what you were signing up for, or at least you thought you had. You never really did anticipate what the girlfriend of an Avenger would involve especially for you, someone not special at all. You were average, and there was nothing wrong with that. Your life with an Avenger made you average. You had met him one day as you worked in a small café which happened to be close by to the Stark Tower. He came in everyday and ordered the same black coffee and a slice of cake. He would nurse the coffee, and the slice of cake. 4pm, everyday. He would sit there with a notepad, and obsessively writing. You longed to get to know the dark haired stranger. You would give him free refills, and he would drink at least two cups before he would leave. One day, you had tried to sneak a peek at his notepad and accidentally poured coffee on his left side, he had jumped up, and knocked the coffee cup on the ground. He has profusely apologised, and you had stuttered a “sorry” back at him. That had been the beginning of the most beautiful courtship, and here you were, standing in your kitchen while the love of your life slept soundly without you there. 

His feelings for you amplified in the silence of the room. He had been pulling back for weeks, and you had been passive and let it happen. He used to come home, and the two of you would have dinner then curl up on the couch to watch something that you would pick. He would wrap his arms around you, pulling you in tight. He would stroke your hair and tell you about his day, or as much of his day that he could tell you. You tried to make up for the space on the couch without him by stretching out your legs. He would come home and find you asleep on the couch. He wouldn’t wake you. He would go straight and shower before coming to find you. You emptied the contents of the pan, in to your mug and walked over to the couch. You wanted to find comfort in the mug of hot chocolate, but what comfort could it really bring. Sitting down you surveyed the life the two of you shared. Photos adorned the walls, each and everyone one of them a lie. You didn’t recognise the smiling faces in the photos. You couldn’t remember the last time you had smiled, properly smiled. You couldn’t remember the last time you had talked to Bucky properly, more than polite chit chat and you certainly couldn’t remember the last time he had looked at you, really looked at you. You would get a kiss in the morning, a kiss before bed and nothing else. 

You stared at one photo in particular. The two of you at your first ever Stark party. You’re on the terrace, his arms around you, and the two of you staring in to each other’s eyes. Clint loved to take candid photos, and this one was spectacular. At that moment you knew you had loved him, and now. Now you weren’t so sure. A single tear rolled down your cheek as you took a mouthful of hot chocolate. You wanted to laugh, a dark laugh, one filled with frustration and sadness. You didn’t know if it was the lack of sleep that was causing you to question his feelings for you, or even your entire relationship. You couldn’t talk to him about it. He wouldn’t understand. He had worked so hard on himself, and the last thing he needed was your insecurity pouring out all over him, so you locked it deep inside of you. This could be the reason you were no longer sleeping. 

“Babe?” You jumped as you heard his voice, he was standing in the doorway staring at you. He rubbed his eyes, and you could feel the emotion bubbling up inside of you. You wanted and needed to squash it down. Hold in the pain, the questions and the doubts. He stood there, shirtless with lounge pants hanging low on his hips. He walked over to you, and saw the tears silently rolling down your face. 

“Tell me you love me” you whisper and he looks away. Your face crumples, and you look away from him. The sound of silence told you everything you needed to know. He stepped forward, towards you and you stood up. 

“Tell me you are happy?” you said, staring at him. He looked away again. You shook your head, knowing what you needed to do. He stands in front of you, his arms up, his hands surrendering to you. You want him to fight for you, to tell you that he is happy, and that he loves you. You want him to pull you in to his chest and hold you, his body telling you all the words he cannot find to say. He doesn’t. You set the cup down on the side table, and push past him. There’s no fight. There never was. You walk in to the bedroom and silently pull on jeans and a jumper before grabbing your purse. You walk to the door, he still hasn’t said a word. Your hand hovers on the door handle. Your mind begging him to stop you, to say anything to you. The pause you took lasted no more than 10 seconds, but it felt like 10 minutes. You wanted so desperately to turn around and take one last look. You didn’t. You grabbed the door handle, and opened the door. You gave him one last chance, and he said nothing so you left. You left your heart with the super soldier standing there. The silence was deafening.


	2. Still silent

You lay awake playing the previous night over in your mind. You lay in the strange bed staring at the wall. This was your best friend’s flatmates bed. They had taken pity on you and offered you a bed to sleep in as you had nowhere else to go. Her room was pretty. Photos on the wall, sketches that she had done when she was in a good place. The glow from the street light gave the room a soft yellow hue, with the occasion flashing blue lights from emergency vehicles that used the road outside the flat as a main route. Lifting your body up, you sat up and leaned over to reach out for your phone. Your body was heavy. You thought that walking out would have lightened the weight you felt around your neck, but no such luck. Your phone lit up the room, and displayed 01:00. You ran your hands over your face, and exhaled, you knew you should be sleeping but your thoughts were with him. Reaching out you grab clothing from your bag. You had a small bag with you, your most prized possessions. You hadn’t even packed in a hurry. You had mentally packed that bag time and time again. Pulling on the clothing, every movement felt like you were dragging your body through water. Your mind was numb. You wanted to blame yourself. You wanted to blame him. But in this instance, perhaps you were both to blame. You couldn’t have loved him more if you had tried. You gave him everything. He never gave you all of him, and for a while that had been enough, but now? Now here you were alone, again.

How did you end up here? You thought you had your life all sorted, and now? Now you were more lost than you had ever been. Sliding your feet in to your shoes you reach out for your coat and pull it on. Creeping through the flat you walk to the balcony door, and open it as gently as possible. The blast of cold air hits your face, and you shiver, pulling your coat around your body tighter. Leaning against the railings you watch as cars drive past, you are floors above, surveying the world below. Your hand fumbles in your pocket and you pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes that you had bought on auto pilot. After you had stared in to the eyes of the man that you loved, and saw nothing reflected back you had wandered around, the bag clutched close to you. This was all you had now. You had sent a message to your best friend, and she had come to find you. She dragged you to her flat and made you the cup of tea, which brought more nurture than you could ever have imagined. Your fingers tried to light the lighter but you were out of practice. You flicked it until the flame danced in front of you, and held the cigarette to your lips, and the glow of the flame illuminating your face. You feel the burn of the smoke as you inhale the poisonous vaper. Your mind played the previous evening over in your head. Him, standing there staring at you as you asked him “are you happy” as tears rolled down your face. His silence telling you everything you needed to know. You looked at your phone as you took another drag from your cigarette, the nicotine providing the much needed head rush. No missed calls, no messages. His silence told you all you needed to know. 

He didn’t love you. 

You had waited for a moment outside of your shared apartment, expecting him to run out after you. He didn’t. You had wandered the streets, hoping for a call from him, or Steve but your phone was silent. In the end you called your best friend, and that is how you were now here, standing on her balcony, smoking and realising pretty quickly how you had lost everything that meant something to you, without even trying. How could you possibly even start again. He had your heart. He owned your soul. A single tear rolled down your cheek as you tried to think of the last time he had shown you real love, real affection and your mind drew a blank. Your heart physically hurt, and your stomach turned at the thought. You felt in that moment truly hopeless. How could you ever love another? Your phone lights up in your hand, and your heart skipped a beat. Before you looked, you prayed it was him. You wanted to see the words “I miss you. I love you. Come home” None of these words were displayed, and it wasn’t him. It was Steve. 

“ _Bucky just told me. He wants to know you’re safe_ ” 

You chuckle to yourself, darkly. Of course Steve was doing his bidding. He didn’t care that you were safe, if he had ever loved you or cared he would ask you himself. You look at the cigarette and notice it had nearly burnt down as you were involved with your thoughts. You take the last drag and stub it out. You hit reply, you had no fight left in you. How do you fight for someone who wouldn’t fight for you. “ _Like he cares_ ” and instantly the three dots appeared. You watched and waited for his reply to come through. How could you ever heal. The two of you had planned a life together. You lived in an apartment in Brooklyn, because that is what he wanted, he wanted you to be his normalcy. Obviously not. The reply shook you to your core, and yet, you knew it. 

“ _he never meant to fall in love with her”_

There it was. The truth. Finally, 

The reason he had pulled back? The reason he no longer kissed you with any passion? His passion was elsewhere, and not with you. You hadn’t been enough for him. He was your world, and now you were nothing to him. He couldn’t even be bothered to make sure you were ok. Your legs carry you back to the stranger’s bed and fall in to it without removing your coat. Your stomach was churning, and your mind was playing tricks on you. No, he had not been happy with you, how could he be when someone else was making him happy. Had he ever been? How much of it had been lies. 

You hit reply to Steve 

_“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m nothing to you, and nothing to him”_


	3. I never meant for this to happen

The alarm woke him from his slumber, and he reached out and pressed the familiar button to silence the noise filling the room. He reached out to his left and found the space empty and cold. He opened his eyes, and memory from earlier that morning flashed in his mind and the realisation that you were gone came crashing down on him. His flesh hand stroked his forehead trying to supress the emotions that were dangerously close to the surface. Watching you standing there, tears rolling down your face and knowing there was nothing he could to do make the pain go away. He reached out for his phone, and saw no notifications. He had hoped to see your name, and only realised this when your name was not there, no missed calls or no messages. He unlocked the phone and typed a message to Steve, “Y/N left”. Hitting send, he placed the phone down and continued with his morning routine, first the shower. He stood under the shower for longer than usual. He wanted the water to wash away the guilt he felt, but it was no use. The water couldn’t wash away the memory he had of you standing in front of him, broken. He had never meant for it to happen like this. He was fighting the tears as the water fell over his body. He loved you, that he was sure of but, he wasn’t happy and he had not dealt with that in the right way. You couldn’t remember the last time he had looked forward to coming home, when he saw you he felt guilt rising in his body. He was lost in his thoughts, the water ran cold against his skin and he still didn’t move. He knew you weren’t coming back and he knew he had no fight in him to bring you home. He heard the front door slam and he moved quickly, shutting the shower off he grabbed the towel and swiftly went to see you, it had to be you. He rushed into the living room and saw Steve standing there, staring at him. Bucky deflated in the moment, seeing his best friend standing there, and not you. Concern covered Steve’s face, and Bucky immediately looked away. Water pooling on the floor, running down his body but he made no movement to get dressed. 

“What happened?” Steve asked, his arms held out. Bucky stood there, he had no words to say. Steve took a step towards Bucky. “Buck” he called out and Bucky still didn’t say a word, his eyes glued to the floor. “Bucky, start talking, what’s wrong. How could Y/N just leave?” Steve’s overwhelming concern for Bucky had caused him to travel over from the Tower the moment he saw the message. Steve couldn’t believe that you would have walked out on Bucky, the two of you had been together what seemed like forever. He had been jealous of the life that the two of you lived, in the home that the two of you had created, a little sanctuary in Brooklyn. Steve stood there, staring at his oldest friend and struggled to read the situation. Bucky looking away, avoiding his questions. 

“I need to put pants on” Bucky stated matter of fact and walked out of the living room to his bedroom. Steve stared at the photos on the wall, He loved to see you smile, he huffed as his eyes fell on the photo Clint had taken of the two of them a few years ago. Bucky had been so in love, adored the ground you walked on and it was evident that you felt the same way about him. Bucky cleared his throat as he walked in to the room, and found Steve standing staring at the photos on the wall. This was the second time in 12 hours that he was about to shatter the illusion of happiness in someone he loved. 

“She left this morning. She asked me if I loved her, she asked me if I was happy” Bucky states, no emotion in his voice. His eyes are trained on his hands, which he was wringing in front of himself. 

“And?” Steve said walking towards him. He watched Bucky, standing there, not saying a word. The silence was deafening. He turned around and looked back at the photos. Steve exhaled, and without turning back round he asked, disappointment dripping from every word “What’s her name?” 

Bucky could lie. He could hide the truth but, he had been hiding the truth for the last few weeks and now Steve was asking him flat out he felt a moment of relief as he whispered “Lucy” 

Lucy was a woman he had met one day while stopping to grab a coffee. They had chatted for hours after she had reached for him coffee, and he felt an instant draw to her. He had been spending all of his free time with her, and although nothing physical had happened between the two of them, Bucky knew he was in love with her. He felt differently about you, but didn’t know what to do, so instead he had done nothing. Nothing but get to know Lucy more. The closer he got to her, the more he pulled back from you. He told himself that his behaviour was harmless. He wasn’t cheating because he had not even kissed her, but all he knew was that he didn’t want to kiss you. 

“Where is Y/N?” Steve was now staring at Bucky. He was furious. Y/N was the best thing that had happened to Bucky, and he had thrown it away for some other woman. Y/N and Steve had a close bond, you didn’t like being around everyone all the time. You found them all intimidating but not Steve, you were comfortable with him, and he with you. 

“She left.” there was no emotion. He knew Steve was angry with him, he was angry at himself. He had nothing more to say. 

“When did she leave Buck, where did she go?” Steve was concerned for you outweighed his concern for Bucky. Bucky just stood there, staring at the floor and answering the questions Steve threw his way. 

“I don’t know, it was the middle of the night?” 

“You don’t know?! You haven’t called her?” This time Steve was more forceful, all he could think about was you. 

“I know I fucked up. I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else.”

Steve turned to him, and walked towards his oldest friend. “You’re in love with this woman? I don’t even know you” He shakes his head at Bucky and heads to the door. Bucky watched for the second time, as he was left alone in the silence of his thoughts. 

——

It had been weeks, weeks since your world had been turned upside down. Your friends had rallied around you, but still you found it hard to function. Your friends had gone round and packed up your belongings, and they had helped you find a new apartment. They had even helped you move. You were surrounded by boxes. Your entire life in piles around you. Lying in bed too little energy so when you didn’t have to go to work you could be found there. You knew that you should unpack, but the pain of going through your belongings was too great. Unpacking would give your new situation a permanence. One you were not ready or willing to accept. Bucky hadn’t contacted you, it hurt more every single day that there was silence from him. Steve however checked in with you every couple of days, and you struggled to keep the smile up for him. You knew that you should get out of your bed and at least move some boxes but it was easier to lie there, listening to the noises from the streets. Your mind was in overdrive. You didn’t want to think of him. You would beg your mind to think of literally anything but him, but yet your mind always had a way of circling back to him. The night before your friends had dragged you out to a bar in an attempt to distract you. They had carried you home, after you had drunk too much. All you could think about was him. Him and this mystery woman who got to hold him, kiss him, be loved by him. Your head spinning from the excessive alcohol, and the heartbreak that would not subside. There was nothing you did that didn’t remind you of him. The way you took your coffee, the same as him. Food had lost its meaning as all of your favourite meals, you had loved to cook for him. You knew you had lost weight, you had lost your sparkle. You wanted to be angry at him, scream, shout. But you couldn’t. He had broken you. Shattered your life in to little pieces, pieces that now filled the boxes that lay around your room. Does he think of you? Did he even care, a little or at all about you? His silence always spoke louder. 

“Love sometimes doesn’t last” your inner voice repeated over and over again. 

There was a knock at the door and it pulled you from the thoughts of him. Pulling yourself out of your bed, you make your way to the door. Opening it, you shield your eyes from the bright light that filled the corridor. You can’t remember the last time you opened the blinds in your apartment. You loved the darkness. He stood in front of you, tall, lean and blonde. He removed his sunglasses from his face, and the blue eyes sparkle as you look up in to the face of Captain America. 

“I brought breakfast” he said holding up a coffee and a paper bag. 

“I’m not in the mood” you croak out, your throat sore from throwing up all of the contents of your stomach after all of the drinks you thought had been a good idea the night before. 

“I called Jo, she said you could do with a friend” he said, and you added a mental note to kill Jo for getting involved. He beamed at you, the brightness of his smile blinding you. You knew this was a fight you were not going to win, so you move and allow him to walk in. He takes in the state of your apartment, it was a mess. Boxes lay everywhere, with items stacked on them, clothes lay everywhere. He knocked the empty glass bottles that lay discarded on the floor. He noticed them, and looked at you, the smile dropping slightly. You walked over and took a seat on the couch and he handed you your breakfast. You sipped the coffee slowly, and watched as the super soldier moved a bra of yours to be able to sit down on the couch. 

“I would ask you how you have been, but I think that’s a stupid question” he states and you concentrate on the lid of the coffee cup. You were a mess and you knew it. Now Bucky would know. Steve was only here to report back. You didn’t have the energy to put up a front.

“Yea. I’ve been better Steve” you grunt back at him. The two of you sit in silence as you drink your coffee. 

“Y/N, let’s go for a walk. It’s a beautiful day” he says standing up, and like allowing him in to the apartment you knew you had no choice but to accept that the two of you were now going for a walk. 

“I need to shower first. Give me 10 minutes” you begrudgingly trudge into the bathroom and Steve turned around. He walks over to the kitchen and finds the trash bags. He slowly goes around the room tidying up the rubbish, the empty glass bottles and cleans the apartment. Bucky doesn’t know he is here. He doesn’t know that Steve has been checking in on you. He definitely doesn’t know that Steve loves you, more than a friend should. 


	4. Will it every get easier?

Walking down the street your eyes avoiding the couples that seemed to litter the sidewalk, mocking you. You walked through one set, forcing them to let go of each other’s hands. You mental cursed at them, who walks down the street holding hands in New York, don’t they understand how busy everything is? That or they were just so in love it didn’t matter, they couldn’t stand for their hands to be empty for a moment. Couples seemed to be everywhere you looked, and with every giggle, every “babe” it was like a dagger to your heart. To suggest that you were adjusting to your new life couldn’t be further from the truth. The way in which you had allowed him to sweep you off your feet, now meant that you could barely function without him. You hated him for that. You had always been so independent, so guarded with your heart but you had allowed him in, and allowed yourself to plan your future together. The joke of marriage, kids, the picket fence? He was going to have that with someone else, and now you were alone. Your friends had rallied round you, but when you were alone in your apartment you couldn’t help but think, this is what the rest of your life was going to be. You found yourself walking into the coffee shop where you had first met him, Greens. You knew you shouldn’t, what good could come from bringing up these memories but yet, you wanted to feel close to your old life. The jingle of the bell as you opened the door brought you back to your senses and you walked to the counter. Not much had changed since you left two years ago. There was no logical reason for you to be there. Logic had left your life when you left Bucky.

You walked to the counter and ordered a black coffee and a slice of cake, and took a seat. You stared out of the window, watching the happy people walking past you. Maybe you had never really looked at people as they walked along the street because you couldn’t believe that this many people could be radiating happiness, when all you felt was a deep sadness that you were sure was starting to radiate from you. It had been a month, and you longed to feel better, you still weren’t sleeping, you were barely eating and everyday seemed to be a struggle. You felt like a part of you was missing, and you knew it was him. The idea that another person could complete you had always been alien, but now, you didn’t know how to function without him. Steve had been surprisingly good to you. After dragging you out for a walk the two of you had walked in silence. He watched you with every step you took, and his concern for you growing. He couldn’t believe Bucky still hadn’t contacted you. Apparently he didn’t know what to say to you, so he chose to stay silent. You watched as a familiar face made their way past the coffee shop, and noticing you they waved. You smiled a pained smile and prepared yourself for the visitor. Her smile beamed as she pulled the empty chair opposite you and sat down. 

“Y/N! I have missed you!” Natasha beamed, her smile dropping slightly as she could see the light behind your eyes flicker. One of the hardest part of leaving Bucky, was leaving your friends, well, his friends behind. Natasha had always gone out of her way to make you feel part of the gang. Your smile broke, and you could feel the tears starting to well. 

“Don’t” she said, her hand touching yours gently “he’s not worth it” 

You shook your head, and muttered “I know, but Nat, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about him, and what could have been” This was true. You had started to unpack your belongings and found a box filled with notes that he had left you. Every time he went on a mission, he would leave you a note for the days he was going to be away. The notes detailed how much you meant to him, and how much he loved your lives together. You had been doing well, or at least better until you had found the box. You read every note. Where was this man? Where was the man who told you he couldn’t wait to spend every waking moment with you? He was in the arms of another. 

“You need a distraction. It’s my birthday next week, a group of us are going to London, why don’t you come with” 

“I don’t know Nat. I am terrible company at the moment. I would only ruin it for everyone” you said, and truthfully believed it. She shook her head at you. 

“Look, Tony is footing the bill. Wanda, Clint, Laura, and Steve coming. You will have a great time. We’ll go, we’ll drink and spend on Tony’s card. How does that sound?”

Hearing that Bucky wasn’t going had eased your mind a little. Perhaps a couple of days away would help. Your friends had been great, but they did not really get it. Bucky was a super soldier, part of the Avengers. He was everywhere. The Avengers were on the news constantly, the gossip columns were guessing who was dating who, and you were kidding yourself if you told yourself not to look. 

“I have to go, but promise me, promise me right now that you will come!” she said standing up. You nodded “fine” She leant over, and wrapped her arms around you, kissing you on the cheek “He’s really not worth your tears Y/N. I will send you the details. I can’t wait!” 

You drank too many cups of black coffee, and savoured the slice of cake that you treated yourself to as you thought about the adventure that you were going to have next week with people who loved you, and you loved. Your phone rang, and you looked at the caller ID, the face of a smiling Steve flashed up on the screen. 

“Hi Steve” you answered, trying to sound more cheerful than you had in the last week. 

“Y/N. I hear you’re coming to London with us!” he sounded excited, and he also sounded like he was running. 

“What are you doing Steve” you ask with a smile, of course he was running. Typical Steve. 

“I am out for a run, Nat just called and said she bumped in to you at Greens. You still there?” he asked, barely out of breath. 

“Yea, I am” and you knew as you confirmed your location, he was on his way. Steve had been really good at getting you out of your apartment. The fact you had made it out for a cup of coffee all by yourself was growth, even though you were being mocked by all the happy people. The door jingled and you looked up expecting to see Steve, but a different pair of blue eyes connected with yours and you felt the cold wash of pain pour over your body. There he was. After a month of silence, there stood the man who had broken your heart staring at you. 

“I gotta go” you said, and you hung up. You needed to leave, you needed to bolt. Of course this was still his coffee shop, you knew this. Deep down you had hoped to see him, but now that he was standing in the doorway looking at you, you knew this was a terrible mistake. Shaking your head, you fumbled in your pockets looking for cash. You weren’t ready to see him. Steve wasn’t calling to come and see you, he was calling because he knew Bucky was going to be there. You looked up and noticed Bucky walking towards you. The door jingled again and you saw Steve standing there, out of breath watching the two of you. His eyes flitted between the two of you, you were using all of your power not to cry. You didn’t want him to see you cry. You had really wished that you weren’t wearing a hoody and leggings out of the house. You had at least brushed your hair but you knew that you looked like a wreck. He looked good. He always did. 

“Y/N” Bucky’s voice croaked your name out and you shook your head. You needed to leave. Steve stepped in between the two of you and placed his hands gently on Bucky’s chest and told him no with his eyes. Steve looked at you and you mouthed thank you, as you walked out of the coffee shop. Steve held Bucky back and you were able to make your escape. You walked the short distance back to your apartment, and once the door shut you felt the tears pour down your face. Your body hit the wall, and you slid down. Crumpled on the floor. When was this going to get easier? Were you always going to feel this pain? You lay there, the only sound filling your space was the heart wrenching sobs. The front door opened, and there was a knock “Y/N” Steve’s voice softly spoke. He looked down and saw you lying there, curled up sobbing in to your knees. 

“Oh” he reached down and sat down. He braced his back against the wall and pulled you in to his body. He stroked your hair as you sobbed on to his chest. You let out all of your pain, and Steve stayed there, stroking your hair and holding you tight. He couldn’t believe the pain Bucky had caused you, he wanted so badly to take the pain away but he knew that all he could do was hold you, and keep you safe. 


	5. Steve's turn

Steve stayed with you until you had cried all of your tears, you had finally fallen asleep braced against his chest. He had sat there until he lost feeling in his legs, worried that if he moved you would wake. It was clear from the sight of you that you had not been sleeping properly, so when he heard the sobs slow, and your breathing getting heavier he resigned himself to the fact that he was going to stay there for as long as you needed him. You let out soft snores, and your hand clutched his shirt. He stroked your hair, and held you close. You didn’t know whether it was the warm body held against you, the arms holding you close but you found yourself in the deepest sleep you had been in for weeks. Steve tried to wiggle his toes to try and increase the blood flow to his legs, his back beginning to ache as he was pressed against the wall. He was aware that his phone was receiving messages but he dared not move. Being this close to you was a dream. He was able to smell the subtle scent of flowers on your hair, the warmth of your body against his filling his mind with thoughts that shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t know what you look like when you’re asleep, he so longed to be the one you woke up next to. He looked down and watched your lips, gently apart as you dreamt. He shouldn’t be thinking about how soft they looked, thinking about how they would feel pressed against his. He definitely shouldn’t be enjoying your hand holding his shirt. He wanted to go to sleep every night with you draped across his body, an arm around his waist, your face nestled in his neck. He placed his head back and looked at the ceiling, he was in a dangerous place and he didn’t know what to do. Steve Rogers always did the right thing, and the right thing was not holding you. He didn’t know what the bro-code was but he knew that you were off limits as Bucky’s ex. You had always been off limits and he had watched from afar as you and Bucky fell more in love with each other. He had buried his feelings for you, deep down inside his chest but now? He was playing with fire by allowing himself to comfort you. He wasn’t doing this for himself. He was worried about you, not because he wanted anything to happen between the two of you, but because it hurt him to see you hurting so much. 

He thought about the moment he had confronted Bucky. After he had text you all those weeks ago he had gone on the search for Bucky, who he found in the gym. Natasha and Tony were in the gym chatting at the side and before they knew it Steve had walked over and punched Bucky in the face, causing him to fall to the ground, the force of the punch surprising them all. Tony and Natasha moved swiftly to jump in and pull Steve back, but Bucky put his arm up and called out “it’s fine, I deserved that “ Steve stood there, his shoulders rising as his breathing was heavy, the fury he felt seeping out of him. Tony already had his iron man hand on, ready to aim if needed, Natasha stood back and watched as Bucky stood up. 

“Yes. You did.” Steve said, spite dripping from each word. Natasha opened her mouth to speak but Steve started before she could.

“Tell them. Tell them about Lucy” Natasha and Tony looked at each other and then back at Bucky. His head dropped, and his hair hung around his face. He was ashamed. 

“Bucky, who is Lucy?” Natasha asked as the silence filled the gym. Steve stood there, his hands on his hips. Tony was watching Steve, he wasn’t sure if Steve was going to hit again. 

“Lucy is a women, I met” he muttered and Natasha looked at Steve, wide eyed and confused. Tony laughed, darkly and shaking his head he turned on the spot. “Of course. Of course you did this. You’re a piece of work Barnes” Tony was furious. It was no secret that the team adored you. 

“Bucky what about Y/N?!?” Natasha called out and Steve looked at her and he shook his head softly from side to side. 

“Bucky, WHERE IS Y/N?” Natasha shouted as Bucky remained silent, something he seemed to have mastered. Bucky shrugged his shoulders and Steve flexed his fists, and before he could move Natasha walked over slowly and slapped him hard across the cheek and spat out “You’re a real piece of shit Barnes” and she turned and walked out, Tony following her.

“I DIDN’T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TASHA” Bucky called back, his hand holding against his cheek which stung. He may be a super soldier but Natasha could leave one hell of a mark. 

“How do I fix this?” Bucky looked at Steve, with tears in his eyes, he didn’t want to feel bad, he didn’t want to feel like he had let everyone down. Steve took in a deep breath, and looked at his friend, he had made a vow all those years ago and he had no choice but to honour it. 

“You can’t Buck, you’re just going to have to take that everyone is going to be angry at you.” He replied, softer this time, he didn’t want to be angry at Bucky, but dammit this behaviour was reckless. 

“Maybe some time off would help? Are you going to move back in?” Steve asked and Bucky looked to the floor. He knew that Steve would not like his answer but he had to be honest. 

“Lucy is moving in” he muttered and Steve, turned to walk out of the gym, but allowed his anger to get the better of him and he punched Bucky in the face again, and Bucky fell back to the ground. 

“Take some time off and sort it out Buck, whatever this is, it’s not right” and Steve left the room. 

—————

Bucky had returned to the tower a month later, and he and Steve had made up, and although the team were annoyed at Bucky they didn’t hold a grudge to him. The team minus Bucky frequently talked about you, and Natasha knew that Steve was seeing you as often as he could. He would never tell Bucky the state you were in, not that he asked. What good could come from telling him the pain he had caused you. When Natasha had called to tell him that she had seen you in Greens, all he could think about was getting there before Bucky did. You didn’t know but Lucy worked in Greens, and he needed to protect you from seeing that. Bucky kept his relationship with her on the low, because he knew how everyone felt about you. Steve had been out for a run when Natasha had called, and he turned around and made his way to you. Walking in and seeing Bucky there, Lucy behind the counter his only concern was you. After you had run out of Greens Bucky had tried to talk to Steve, but he stopped him. 

“Steve she’s a mess?!” He stated confused, realising that he had not really thought about you and how you were. A pain hit his chest, it hurt him to see you in such a mess. How could he have not even thought about you in the last few weeks. He had been too distracted by Lucy. 

“Of course she’s a mess Buck, what the hell did you expect?!” And Steve went to leave, and Bucky grabbed his arm. 

“I hate that she’s hurting” Bucky stated and as if on cue, Lucy walked out from the back and there was a squeal of “baby!” Steve shuddered, he disliked Lucy. She was young, and the opposite of you, she was no good for Bucky. Whatever crisis he was going through he was dealing with it poorly. Steve smiled at her, a pained smile. He couldn’t be rude, as much as he wanted to be. It wasn’t her fault that Bucky was an asshole. 

“Bucky, you did this. This is your fault, I am not going to tell you what you want to hear because that would be a lie. She’s a mess and she needs me, now if you will excuse me” and Steve yanked his arm free from the grip, and nodded a hello to Lucy because he didn’t want to seem rude. He pulled the door of the shop open and ran out of Greens after you. 

This is how he found himself on the floor. The floor of your apartment with you braced against his body. He knew he needed to move you, so as gently as he could he slid his arm under your legs, and held you close. He stood up in one swift movement, and you didn’t stir. He walked you to your bedroom, and set you down gently on the bed. With the same precision he had used previously to defuse bombs he extracted his arms and slid his shirt out of your grip. You rolled over and replaced him with a pillow. It was obvious that you had been using a pillow to replace the body that you were used to sleeping against. He took in the state of your bedroom, he had seen bomb sites that were less of a mess, and more sanitary than your room. He walked around the room and collected all of the clothes on the floor, across the furniture and piled them into a bag. He collected the rubbish, and dirty dishes, and walked to the kitchen, which was equally a mess. He knew what he needed to do. He set about doing all of the chores you had neglected. He couldn’t take the pain away, but he could look after you in a way you desperately needed. He opened your fridge and there was a single apple and bottle of juice looking back at him, well that explains the weight loss he thought to himself. Your kitchen was littered with glass bottles, drained of their alcoholic contents. He pulled his phone out and saw messages from Bucky. 

_Where are you?_

_Is she ok?_

_Steve, I never meant for this._

_What can I do?_

_I need to make it better_

_Steve, please!_

Steve shook his head, there was nothing Bucky could do. You will get better, he knew that much, but it takes time. He sent a message to Tony, and Natasha and began to work on the mess of the apartment. 

You stirred as a delicious smell filled your room. You opened your eyes to find Steve standing next to you with a tray, which he set down next to you. He sat down on the bed, and you moved in between his legs and rested your head on his chest. Your eyes saw the room in front of you, spotless. 

“Hey there sleepy” he said smiling at you, and you weakly looked up at him. You didn’t want to start crying again but you were close to it again. 

“I’m sorry I am such a mess, I don’t want to be like this” you say as the tears start again. He wiped them away and leans over to the tray to grab the steaming bowl of homemade soup he had made for you. 

“Sit up for me” he said, and you did, barely holding yourself up. You couldn’t remember the last proper meal you had had, the slice of cake may have been the first real food you had had in days. You had been surviving on fruit, only eating when you absolutely had to. He lifted the spoon, and blowing on it gently he moved it to your lips, and you allowed him to feed you. This was the most vulnerable that you had allowed yourself to be, with anyone. Steve was here, holding you, loving you and caring for you. You are hungrily cleaning every spoonful of soup he offered you, and devouring the care he was showing you. 

“Thank you” you sob as he placed the bowl back on the tray. 

He looked down at you, and your eyes connected with his. His lips curve in to a smile filled with pity. “Y/N, you can’t live like this, this is a waste” and you interrupt him “I know but it just hurts so much, I have a pain in my chest that doesn’t leave. It sits there, weighted against me”

He moves your hair out of your eyes and his smile warms you a little as he tells you “I have spoken to Tony and he agrees with me, there’s a flat, on my floor in the Tower, completely self contained. We want you to come and live with us, until you feel more like you. You won’t have to cook, or clean, just concentrate on you. How does that sound?”

You pause for a moment and Steve reads the concern on your face. “He won’t know you’re there, he can’t access that part. You won’t see him, and we won’t tell him you’re there. Tony will pay for the rent on this place so it’s ready for when you feel like you again.” You nod accepting his offer. It hurts that he is caring for you, all you want is for Bucky to care, to hold you, to love you but instead it’s his family that are here, loving you. 

You search his eyes, desperately looking for an excuse but all you can see is care, kindness and compassion. You can’t help it, and you crumple in to his chest sobbing, “why didn’t he pick me.”. Steve’s arms wrap around you and holds you. He calls out to Natasha who was already packing your belongings in the living room. 

He called out “Nat, she’s coming with us” 


	6. How it feels

Wanda almost carried you to the plane. You had tried your hardest to get out of the London trip. Steve and Natasha had tried with the guilt trip, but Wanda walked in and dragged you from your bed. She had threatened to drag you the entire way, and you believed that she would have. The last couple of days at the Tower had done you the world of good and Steve had been true to his word when he said the space was self contained. The last couple of days you had allowed yourself to sleep, read and eat the meals that appeared outside your room. When you had moved in, one of the conditions you had was space. You didn’t want to be in the way, and didn’t need anyone babysitting you. The team had agreed, and you had enjoyed the silence of the room. Your eyes blink open, and your body feels lighter as daylight naturally brings you from your sleep. There is a stillness that you never imagined could exist in Stark tower. Steve and Natasha had helped you settle in, and allowed you the space and time to adjust to the new living situation and you were incredibly grateful to them. There was something so heart breaking about being surrounded by half of your belongings, the other half, in your home with him. In the process of unpacking in your new apartment you kept coming across constant reminders of him, and the life you had shared together. Photos, letters, notes that you left for him to take on missions with him and each of them was a stab in the heart. Natasha packing up your belongings meant that she had only grabbed your essentials, which did not include the boxes of memories you couldn’t help go through every day. Without the constant memories of what you had lost you found yourself beginning to heal. You had messaged Natasha and told her that you couldn’t face London, the trip, the forced fun. You couldn’t quite remember what joy felt like and you knew it would hurt to watch everyone having fun while your body ached. However, when Natasha had appeared at your door you knew there was little point in trying to get out of the trip, you tried anyway. Steve tried next, he awkwardly stood at your door, and he accepted when you told him that you wanted to concentrate on healing, and you couldn’t do that in London. Wanda was the last to try, by now you had taken refuge in your bed. The emotional toll it had taken on you to upset both Natasha and Steve with your determination to stay on your own had caused you to desperately need a nap. You had a constant uncomfortable feeling in your stomach, one that had been with you for days. Your sadness, manifesting in a constant sick feeling. Wanda was having none of it. She walked in and began to throw things in to a bag, before reaching out and grabbing your ankle. You held tightly onto the cover but Wanda was stronger. Your body fell to the floor with a loud thud, and you looked up at her, tears already in your eyes. They were all a constant reminder of him and the time you shared all together. It was hard to be around them, and their lack of understanding meant that you knew you were going to have to tell them. 

“Y/N, you have two options. You walk out of here or I drag you.” she tells you, and you shake your head. You don’t have the energy to fight her, but you knew you had to try. Wanda goes through your wardrobe and throws items into your bag. 

“Wanda, I can’t, I just can’t.” you mutter, desperately trying to stop your voice from cracking, and the tears burning behind your eyes. Wanda set down the bag after putting in your make up and turned to you. 

“Enough.” and you try to continue talking but she stops you. “Y/N. I can feel your pain. It is loud, it’s angry and it is filling my body and head as I stand in here with you. But, enough. You deserve more, you deserve more than this. We love you. Come with us. Get away from here, away from him” 

Your hands cover your face, and you shake your head. “He is everywhere I look, Wanda. When I am with you all. God, it hurts when I look at Steve. You think I want to be babysat by the Avengers?!. NO. I want my life back but it hurts” Wanda’s arms are around in a second, and you can feel the love pouring from her. She places her hands on your face, and her eyes stare into yours. “Y/N. Please. You are one of us. We love you. Please, just get on that plane and we will show you how much you mean to us” 

—————–

“Does she know?” Natasha eyed Steve. He lowers the report and looks over to his old friend. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” he replies, and pulls the report back up to cover his face. The two of them were already sitting on the plane, waiting for the others to appear. “Rogers.” He took a deep breath and put the paper on the table, and turned to her. 

“What?” and he notices the smirk across her face. She eyed him. “Tell me I am wrong. Tell me you are not doing all of this because you’re in love with her” 

He had a choice. He could lie, and continue to hide his feelings for you but it was killing him keeping this secret. He had an option, he could use this line of questioning to finally voice something he had buried deep in his body, or continue to hide, lie and bury his feelings. “Nat” he tried to play it off, his voice rising at the end and she stared him dead in the eyes. 

“Is it that obvious?” he whispers. Natasha stands up and takes a seat next to him. His eyes follow her, and her head falls softly to the side. “No. It isn’t, but you know this can’t happen” she says, taking hold of his hand. “Don’t you think I know this? I have given her space. I just, I just couldn’t watch her waste away on her own. She has such a light, and it kills me to see that light disappearing from her. Don’t worry Nat. I won’t act on it. I just want her to remember how it feels, to be happy” Natasha is nodding, taking in every single word and feeling the pain in his voice. She loves him like a brother, and she loves you like a sister. The argument she had had with Bucky after she found out had been loud, and dramatic. Bucky’s behaviour was inexcusable. No one had actively chosen to take sides, but it had happened naturally. Bucky had been frozen out for the family. If he had been unhappy he should have talked to you, not Lucy. 

“Well look who finally decided to show up” Steve calls out as Wanda walks on to the plane, his breath hitches as you follow on behind her. How had Wanda succeeded, where he had failed? Natasha jumps up and she squeals as she pulls you into an embrace. Your body stiffens as her arms lock around you tightly. It was hard to really accept such an outpour of love. She whispers in your ear “thank you” and she moves back to her original seat. You look at the seats available, and you choose to sit next to Steve. 

“What changed your mind?” Steve asks as you connect your seatbelt and stare out the window. 

“I am sick of crying Steve. I want to remember how it feels” you say, watching the ground staff ready the plane. He watches you and asks “how what feels”. You look at him, and your lips almost pull into a smirk. His eyes are blue, crystal blue. You find yourself lost in them for a moment. There is a fleck of grey in them. They are different from the blue eyes you so frequently got lost in, that you had spent years staring in to. He places his hand gently on yours, and you finish your thought “I want to remember how it feels to be me”. You turn your head and go back to staring out the window. 

———

The flight was long, and you went straight to sleep the moment you arrived at the hotel. You slept on the plane, and yet were still exhausted. However, this morning you had the sudden urge to have a shower, and scrub yourself clean. You wanted to wash the last few weeks off of your skin. You enjoyed the feeling of the hot water on your skin. Stepping out of the shower you wrapped your hair in a towel and took a long look at yourself in the mirror. The last few weeks had taken its toll on you. Dark circles loomed under your eyes, the sparkle in your eyes that you once had, now gone. The lack of meals had left you looking thinner than you liked. Your skin blotchy from the lack of care you had put into looking after yourself. You exhale the breath you didn’t realise you were holding in as you stared at your face. Wiping away the tear that had just formed. You let your hair hang loose, and damp, the curl starting to form. The day was filled with sightseeing, then dinner and drinks in the evening. You so desperately wanted to feel like yourself again. You were sick of the constant sickness laying low in your stomach. A physical reminder of the pain and hurt you were in. Bucky had taken so much from you already, and you could feel the frustration starting to build. You knew this was a good sign. The tears of sadness, and emptiness leaving you, and slowly being replaced by frustration and anger towards him. You pull the makeup out of your bag and begin the task to cover up the weeks of neglect to pass yourself off as a semi healthy human being. You picked out some clothes, and stared at your reflection in the mirror. You tried multiple outfits, and you couldn’t quite figure out why you were unable to choose an outfit. You were nervous, and not sure why. Settling on an outfit finally you let your mind drift. There was a knock at the door, and you walk over and see Steve standing there, smiling at you. You almost feel a smile, breaking through the sadness. 

“Ready for a day of fun?” and he held his arm out, ready for you to take it. You took it gratefully. 

You had to admit to yourself you were ready for a day of fun, and the feeling in your stomach could quite possibly be butterflies. 


	7. Our Secret

It felt as if you had forgotten how to smile, how the muscles in your face worked until you spent the day alongside Steve, Natasha and Wanda. The familiar feeling of contentment washing over you, feeling the rise of your cheeks as a smile stretched across your face. There was of course, the feeling of laughter, full body and unexpectedly taking over your shoulders, your head as you threw it back, and most surprising of course was the sound of your laugh, erupting out of your mouth. Your entire body felt lighter, lighter than it had in weeks. By this point, five weeks had passed, mostly in a haze. Today was the first day in a long time you felt that you had seen the sun, and felt the warm glow against your face. The day had been filled with every tourist expectation. The posed photos outside Buckingham Palace, a group shot. Steve cautiously put his arm around you to pull you in close for the group shot, and you felt a shiver run up your spine as his fingertips touched your hips. They wandered the streets and Wanda got excited every time she saw a red phone box, demanding a photo. The open top bus where Steve got excited to see streets he remembered from his time stationed in London during the war. The obligatory trip to Harrods, Bond Street and Selfridges. As Londoners were not used to seeing the Avengers on the streets, they were able to spend the day shopping and sightseeing with little distraction. Throughout the day, Steve would catch you looking off to the distance, and he would catch your eye and mouth “You ok?” and every time you would replied with a smile, a genuine smile, you did feel ok, you felt better than ok, you felt comfortable in your own skin. 

After Tony’s credit card had been put to good use by Natasha, Wanda and Y/N the four of you retired to the hotel, to get ready for Natasha’s birthday meal. You found yourself staring in the mirror at the reflection in front of you, in the sanctuary of the bathroom. Your make up spilled across the counter. The day had begun to take its toll on you, and your body ached. The tension in your shoulders as if you had felt every moment of laughter replaying, your stomach, ached in the dull way it had for weeks. You found yourself lost in Steve’s presence. You can feel the tension tightening across your body as you thought about the moment Steve placed his arm around your waist for the photo. It was as if you could still feel the touch of his fingers on your hips, burnt into your skin. You close your eyes, and feel shame rising through your stomach. You shouldn’t feel this way. You braced yourself against the sink to allow the shame to take hold. The guilt sat in the pit of your stomach as you thought of his eyes, the blue of his eyes appearing as you close yours. The way his smile creased his face as he looked at you, and the flutter in the pit of your stomach as his smile stretched across his face as he heard your laugh. You can feel the stress rising in your chest. Your head is filled with him. Your heart is filled with another. 

There was a knock on the door and you steadied yourself to walk over to open it, finding Steve standing there in a suit. Your eyes locked on his, he stood there ready and waiting. You weren’t ready. “Oh. I can come back” he said, looking at your state of undress. You pulled the belt of robe tighter against your skin, and looked away from his eyes. You walked away from the door, and replied “Nah, take a seat. I just need to get dressed”. Steve walked in and awkwardly sat on the bed as you entered the bathroom to put on your dress. You carefully close the door, and taking your robe off you slip into your formal dress. The last thing you wanted was a meal, the time with the others, and with him in close proximity. Zipping the dress up, you carefully pad out of the room and walk to your heels. Sliding them on you look over to him. He is sitting on the bed, his head looking down to his hands, interlinked and laying gently on his lap. You can’t help but notice the tension he holds in his shoulders. He looked tense, and you could feel the tension rising in your body. The last two weeks had been special, the way in which he had cared for you was in a way that Bucky never had before. Not really. Steve had shown up when you needed him. Without ever asking. He had been there, checked in and showed you more kindness than you realised you had needed. He had picked you up, and held you and it was as if you were seeing him for the first time. Really seeing him. The space that he had given you since bringing you to the tower, had been hard. You didn’t realise how much you had missed looking in to those crystal blue eyes until it had been taken away from you, by your own choice. The day spent with him, close to you, had given you the chance to see him. Here was a man, who wanted to spend time with you, to hold you when you were down, and do all he could to care for you. Every time he had caught your eye, and checked in with you, it had felt like you were seen, seen in a way that Bucky had not for months. The biggest betrayal from Bucky wasn’t Lucy, but it was the disengagement, it was the moment he stopped caring. You stared at the sight of the super soldier, dressed in a dark green suit, which had clearly been made for him. It made you think of the last night Bucky had kissed you, and had made you feel safe, and loved. The pang of guilt hit you harder, thinking of Steve and Bucky in the same breath. It had been a gala in honour of a charity supported by Stark Industries, only two months before. Steve had worn that suit, you had remembered noticing how well the green suited him. That night Bucky had taken you home, and the two of you had made love, or for Bucky it was probably just a fuck, for you it had been love. 

“Ready?” Steve said, standing up. You nodded in reply and he held his arm out which you gladly accepted. He led you out of the room and as the door closed behind you he looked at you, and told you “You look really beautiful, Y/N. I love that dress”. You know the blush rose through your cheeks, and you couldn’t help it. The butterflies were there, again, continuous. “Thank you Steve, I love that suit. I loved it at the gala too”. It was his time to blush, and he looked away from her, not sure how to respond. The two of you walked in silence to the elevator, and as the doors opened, Steve hit the ground floor as you both stepped in. You mind was on Bucky. All you could think about was Bucky, and how Steve was not him. You could almost feel the warmth radiating off from Steve’s body. Your mind was in overdrive. The gala had only been two months ago and your life was so different, your heart felt broken, smashed in to pieces. You didn’t want to think of him, of what he had done to you, and how he after that night at the gala, he had barely come near you. Had he already been sleeping with Lucy? Had he already betrayed you?. The elevator doors opened, and you looked at Steve. Panic in your eyes. 

“Can you apologise to Natasha, I just can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t” and you left, without allowing Steve to reply. You left the hotel, and walked down the street. You needed air, you needed space, and being near him, was just too much. 

——-

Steve approached your room with caution. He hadn’t chased after you, but he had asked the conciergerie to let him know when you returned. When he received the call that you had returned he had made his excuses at dinner and made his way to your room. He stood outside, knowing he shouldn’t be there. He needed to give you space. He wanted to let you heal, he knew that was what was best for you now. He paused, his hand raised to knock when he realised he could hear your gently sobs. He felt that he was violating your privacy. It pained him to hear the sobs, but as they became more laboured he knew he needed to knock. He knocked and waited. The door opened slightly, and he looked to see if he could see you. There you stood behind the door, with mascara streaking down your face. 

“Oh Y/N” He whispered, and you opened the door to allow him to enter the room and shutting the door behind you, you walk to the bathroom. Steve stood there awkward again, not sure what to do. You walk back out and he looked at you as you made your way to him. You had changed out of your dress, and you were in leggings and an oversized t-shirt, Bucky’s t-shirt. He felt a pang of jealousy, and guilt. He shouldn’t be here, and you shouldn’t be wearing that. You stood in front of him, your hand stretched out and he looked down. He looked at you, his eyes connecting with yours. His mouth dropped open, and his head moved gently from side to side to signal no, a heart breaking no. In your outstretched hand was a pregnancy test. A positive one. 

“Y/N” Steve’s voice trailed off as you stood there, your shoulders shaking with each heaving sob that released from your body. You walked over to the bed and sat down defeated. This was the last thing you needed. You had realised in the elevator, that it had been two months since the gala. Two months. You had missed your period during the torment of the separation. You had walked until you found a shop open, and in your formal evening dress you had purchased a pregnancy test. When the lines appeared you understood why you had felt the low level sickness pooling in your stomach, it wasn’t heartbreak, or butterflies, it was a baby. 

“Y/N” Steve whispered, as he kneeled before you. His hands on your knees. The tears rolled down your face silently, and leaving trailing marks within your make up. You looked up at those eyes, the eyes that were so different from the ones you loved and he whispered “It can be our secret”.


	8. Our secret (2)

There was a soft knock on your door and you knew it was Steve. Opening your bedroom door you looked up at him and returned his soft smile. You let him in and he walked forward and stood awkwardly, waiting for you to say something. He stared at you as you walked around the room listlessly. You had got back from London the day before and you had spent that time in your room, going over and over the plan that Steve and you had concocted. You knew this was a risk, but once you had the idea there was no going back. 

“You sure about this?” He asked you, and you turned to him. Walking over to him you place your hand on his arm and smile. “I am sure, 100% sure of this”. He held out his hand and replied “Let’s go” and you took it, butterflies in your stomach. You subconsciously place your hand on your stomach, and drop it immediately. Steve led you to the kitchen where the majority of the team were preparing dinner. You felt Steve’s hand squeeze yours tighter and you felt your pulse quicken. He coughed, clearing his throat and the team stopped and looked over at the two of you. You wanted to hide behind his stature. You knew lying to your friends, and his family was a violation of trust but you knew you couldn’t do this alone. Steve had protected and cared for you since your break up, and now he was going to support you through this. 

“We have something to tell you” he started, but Natasha was one step ahead. She looked at you, and back to Steve. “You had better be joking Rogers” You felt his hand tighten on yours. You took a deep breath and he replied “I’m not joking. Y/N and I had a moment in London and we have decided to explore what this is” You stretched up and kissed him on the cheek, feeling butterflies in your stomach as you did. You truly cared for Steve, and you would be lying if you said you didn’t find him attractive. There was an audible gasp from the group as your feet hit the floor. 

_“What do you mean it can be our secret?” you asked him through the sobs. You searched in his eyes for meaning. Your head had been swimming with thoughts. What on earth were you going to do with a baby, you couldn’t do this on your own. His hands on your knees, you could feel the warmth of his body close to you. He wiped the tears from your eyes with his fingers, and you were surprised at the softness of them. He was tender, and his eyes bore in to yours._

_“You don’t have to tell anyone. I will keep it a secret, until you know what you want to do” he said softly, words between the two of you unspoken. You shook your head. The pain in your chest was all consuming. You had stared at that stick for what felt like hours before Steve had appeared at your door. He was your saviour, but there was no way to save you now._

_“Steve, what am I going to do” you sob softly, and you felt his arms around you and pull you in to his embrace. “You are a strong woman, and you can do anything” You shook your head. You weren’t. Your break up has shown you this much. You could barely look after yourself, how would you look after a baby. A baby that would always remind you of his betrayal._

_“I can’t do this on my own” you whispered, it was the only thought that had run through your mind since you had told him. You were alone in all of this. But in reality you weren’t alone, you had a part of him, with you at all times now._

_“You will never be on your own in this. I will be with you every step, whatever you need from me.”_

_You stood up, and Steve almost fell back at the speed in which you moved. You were angry. How was any of this fair? Have you not been through enough? You paced in front of him, and he stood and watched you. You opened your mouth to speak, and stopped yourself. You couldn’t believe you were pregnant. He still had power over you._

_“This isn’t fair!” you shouted. “I wanted to start again, I wanted feel like me and I am never going to be free of him. He’s hurt me so much and now I am expected to raise his baby alone while he lives his life with her!” You covered your face with your hands while you sobbed and Steve stood up. He walked over to you and wrapped his arms around you, and pulled you in tight against his body. You collapsed against his body, and he stroked your hair. You felt so safe in his arms._

_“You won’t be alone. I will be with you. No matter what. I am with you” and you pulled back slowly, a plan formulating in your mind. You could do it with Steve by your side._

_“Steve I don’t want him to know” you told him and he stared at you. Not matter what Bucky had done, there was no way he could hide this from him._

_“Y/N, how are you going to hide this. His child?” he asked and you took a deep breath._

_“He doesn’t need to know he’s the father” and you stared at him, hoping the words between the two of you didn’t need to be said. He stepped back from you and shook his head. “No…no…you can’t lie to him” and he walked back from you. His hand covered his face, and he ran his fingers over his forehead, in thought. The conflict was written all over his face, his shoulders tense and his body turned away from you. You exhaled, and he turned back to you “Y/N… You can’t do this to him.”_

_“Steve, I can’t do this without you”._

_“Me?” he stuttered in reply to you. His mind was in overdrive, here you were offering him what he so desperately wanted. A chance to be with you. An opportunity at normalcy. You cross the room to him and he falls back on to the bed, as his knees hit the edge. This time you’re on your knees, your hands resting on his knees and staring in to his eyes._

_“You said you would help me. That I am not alone. We could be a family.”_

_“Ok. So we tell everyone we’re together, and then what?” he whispered to you. You nodded at him and completed the thought “Then we announce in a few months that we’re pregnant. No one has to know”_

_He watched your face, the thoughts running through your mind. This was a terrible idea. But, he never wanted to see you hurt again. Bucky was his brother, his best friend but this was the love of his life, who Bucky had discarded. Bucky had moved on, why couldn’t you and Steve knew he could love you with his whole heart._

_“Ok. We can tell everyone we’re together. But, if he asks I can’t lie to him. I can’t and won’t” he told you, nodding along with you._

_“He won’t. He won’t even care” you said, and you truly believed he wouldn’t. He was too busy with her._

The team stared at you both. You could feel the tears building in your eyes, as tension filled the room. Wanda was the first to say something. She walked forward to you and pulled you in to a hug “Well I won’t say this isn’t a shock, but you know what, I am happy for you both” Sam, and Tony followed suit, leaving just Natasha staring at Steve. She held the knife that she had been using to prepare vegetables, the tip of the knife boring in to the wooden chopping board. She didn’t take her eyes off of him. You wanted to speak, to tell her that it was ok, and that she had a right to be worried but you and Steve were happy. 

“Nat.” he said softly and she put the knife down and walked off. You looked at him, and the others were surprised at the reaction. You knew that Natasha and Bucky had a shared history, and Natasha and Steve were close but this reaction had you confused. Steve turned to you and you told him “Go to her. I am going to go lay down anyway, I’m exhausted from the flight”. He kissed you on the cheek, and went after her. You walked back to your room, knowing now that there was no going back now. 

——-

He followed her and found her out on the balcony, her arms braced against the railings. 

“Nat” he said softly and she spun on her heels. “Don’t you dare Rogers. Three days ago you PROMISED. You told me you wouldn’t tell her and what happened in London?’” She was in his face, her finger poking his chest. He took a deep breath and his hand rubbed the back of his neck, the classic stressed Steve Rogers pose

“Nat, we didn’t mean for this to happen. I have no intention of ever telling her. I went to check on her after dinner, and it just happened. We talked and she wants to give us a go.” and she shook her head at him. 

“Bucky is going to go mad, did you think of that? He’s going to be furious with you” and Steve huffed, stepping back from her. “So it’s about him, not her. I should have known”. 

She turned her back on him and shook her head. She took a deep breath and turned back to him. 

“No. this is about her. She needs a friend right now. She has had her heart broken but YOUR BEST FRIEND. He is your BEST FRIEND, A BROTHER and now you’re fucking her?” she shouted at him.

“You’re what?”

The two of them turned to see Bucky standing there. He watched as Steve and Natasha tried to back track. Bucky walked towards Steve and Natasha instinctively moved between the two of them. He turned to Natasha and asked

“What did you mean, you’re fucking her” and Natasha looked to the ground, before looking back up at Steve. Steve’s heart was in his throat. He had not thought about telling Bucky. The agreement between you and Steve was friendship, that when in public would they would act as a couple but this wasn’t romance. Steve had agreed because this was the most he was ever going to have with you and he so desperately wanted your love. He knew it wasn’t right, but you had asked, and he had accepted. 

“Buck, I was going to tell you” Steve tried to calm the situation. Bucky’s metal hand flexed in to a fist. He took a deep breath. “Tell me what Steve” the frustration clear in his voice. 

“Y/N and I are dating” 

Bucky looked at Natasha, and back at Steve. He exhaled and looked him dead in the eyes before walking up to him. 

“Fuck you” he spat at Steve and left. 

“That could have been worse” Natasha turned to Steve, and before he could reply she finished “I can’t pretend to be happy for you both. This is a mistake.” and she left him standing there alone with his one thought. 

What are they going to do when they find out about the baby? 


	9. the kiss

You lay awake in your room in the oversized bed. Your hand absentmindedly drifted to rest on your stomach. The stillness of the room brought you comfort. Steve had gone after Natasha and you had chosen to hide from the reckless decision you had made. Steve was a good man, the best man in fact and you had convinced him to lie to his family. As the words had come out of his mouth, you had watched the way his family had looked at you, even the squeeze of your hand could not have distracted you from the overwhelming sense of guilt that you felt. The look that Natasha had given Steve had felt like a knife in your heart. How could you ever fix this. The knock at the door brought you out of your thoughts and you looked over, seeing Steve standing there. 

“How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Tea?” he asked and you sat up, slowly shaking your head no. “Steve…” you started but he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “Why did you agree to go along with this? You’re lying to everyone.” you asked. He looked down at his feet and his hands on his knees. His eyes avoid yours. “Steve, please”. Your heart was beating fast. You crawled over to him and placed your hands on his shoulders and his head dropped and they fell in to his hands. You knew he was regretting this, he was about to tell you that he couldn’t go through with it. 

“I’m in love with you” 

Thoughts flooded your mind. You pulled away from him and he stood up. He stood with his back to you. “Y/N, please. I need to explain”. It all made sense, the way he had cared for you, saying yes to your crazy plan. You looked at him, and you felt your heart beating in your chest. The way he held you while you cried, the warmth of his body, a comfort to you had allowed you to hear the words “I’m in love with you”. He had been showing you how he felt about you for weeks. You had looked forward to seeing him, and those few days where he had stayed away had hurt. You had missed him, missed the way he made you smile, and the way his scent lingered on your clothing. You found comfort in his presence. 

“I don’t know where to start.” he muttered. “Steve….” your voice is soft and you watch the way his body tensed at the sound of his name coming out of your mouth. You hesitantly slide off of the bed and you run your hand over his back as you stepped in front of him. His head still bowed, you placed your hands on his chest and his eyes lifted to meet yours. 

“Steve. It’s ok. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’ve asked too much from you”. He touched your hand and lifted it off of his chest. He walked away from you. “It isn’t ok Y/N. I agreed to this because of my feelings for you. I promised Nat that I would stay away from you, and then, then you come to me with this?” He paced from wall to wall of your room and you stood watching him. You had no words. You would be lying to yourself if you said your feelings towards Steve were strictly platonic. The butterflies in your stomach when he arrived at your door for Natasha’s birthday meal were not just the unknown knowledge of a baby, he meant a lot to you. “Why did you promise Natasha to stay away?” you asked, almost at a whisper. He stopped and turned to you “Because you are in love with Bucky. Because watching the two of you together hurt, but now? Now when you’re not with him and I could hope for a moment that you could look at me the way you look at him.” He turned his body away. You placed your hand on your stomach. True. You had feelings for Bucky, he had consumed your waking moments, but Steve had been your waking thought. Your hand dropped from your stomach. You will always have a link to your past, and to Bucky but he had made his choice, and now it was time for you to make yours. You walked over to him and his back is still turned to you. 

“Steve, look at me” you whispered, and he shook his head. “Please, Steve, look at me” you tried again and this time he turned. You looked in to his eyes, and crossed the distance between the two of you. “Kiss me” you whispered and he muttered “no, I can’t”. The conflict in his mind written all over his face. 

“Steve” you whispered again, and placed your hand on his cheek and you could see the tears forming in his eyes. 

“I can’t. It’s not right. You love him. ” and he placed his hand on your wrist to remove your hand from his cheek, the softness of your hand filled him with warmth. You lifted yourself on to your tiptoes and softly kissed his lips. His lips were soft and he parted his lips but did not return the kiss. You pulled away from him but your hand remained on his cheek. 

“I loved him. Loved, past tense. Allow me to make my choice about my future. Our future” 

He searched your face, for any reason that you didn’t mean what you had said. He opened his mouth to say something, pausing for a second. Your eyes stared up at him, desperate for him to say something, anything. He looked away from you, for a second and then you felt his hands on your face, his lips pressed against yours. The kiss was all consuming, and you felt a fire in your body that you did not realise you had been missing. 

———-

The atmosphere in the conference room was frosty at best. Steve sitting at one end, Bucky at the other and Natasha and Sam sitting in the middle. They had called this meeting between Bucky and Steve because since the announcement of the newest couple in the Tower. Bucky had barely spoken a word to Steve, and Steve was barely seen outside of his apartment, with you. A month had passed, and Steve and you had been inseparable. The two of you were forming an unbreakable bond. 

“Right. The two of you are going to sort this out.” Sam said, and Natasha added “and we are not leaving until you do.” 

Bucky looked out of the window and Steve stared at him. “Look, we know you both miss each other so just say what you need to say” Sam added. Bucky scoffed and Steve exhaled. 

“Buck, this is ridiculous” Steve started but Bucky cut him off “Y/N is my ex girlfriend Steve, what there wasn’t any other girl in New York, just her?” 

Steve looked away and back at Bucky “You have Lucy, why does it matter who I am with?” he asked and watched as Bucky squirmed in his seat. He didn’t have a response. He finally asked “But of all the women Steve?” after his silence. “I never meant for any of this to happen. Y/N and I never expected this. We had a couple of drinks in London, after Natasha’s birthday and we shared a kiss” 

Bucky scoffed again. “What is your problem Barnes?” Sam said, and Bucky shot him a look that could kill. “Buck, you left Y/N for Lucy. You walked away from your relationship. It’s hardly a surprise she has found solace with someone else. Bucky, you should be happy for Steve. He and Y/N are happy. You should want this for him” Natasha added. Steve stared at him, his eyes pleaded with him. He missed Bucky more than words could say. He knew the next couple of months were going to be rough, but with Bucky as his friend again it would be easier. Bucky stood up and walked to the window, and stared out watching the world go by. 

“Buck please, no one is more surprised at this than me. But you cannot be upset at me or this situation. You are happy and settled with Lucy, why does it matter who I or Y/N is dating?”

“I suppose… I just…”

“You can’t have both Bucky, you can’t have Y/N and Lucy. You chose, now let her” Natasha stated simply. 

“Your right.” He said, and turned to Steve. He took a deep breath “I want to be happy for you both. I do. It is just going to take time. Can you give me that?”

Steve paused for a moment. He wanted to accept it, he so desperately wanted to agree to give him time but at the back of his mind was the baby. The lie was going to break Bucky. You were three months pregnant, it was only a matter of time before the two of you had to tell everyone. No one would doubt the dates, who would question it. That is what made the lie so powerful. No one would ever expect Steve Rogers of lying to his family. The two of you had agreed to tell everyone soon, but truth be told Steve was happy. The two of you had spent hours together, watching movies snuggled up, long walks and cooking together. It was honest, and Steve never had you doubting for a moment the way he felt about you. He made sure of that.

“I can. Y/N and I will keep our distance. I don’t expect this to be easy for you so we will keep our space.” Steve agreed and before Bucky could say a word he finished with “I’ve missed you Buck”. Bucky walked over from the window and stood beside him. Steve looked up, and stood up. The two men embraced and Bucky whispered in his ear “Till the end of the line pal, till the end of the line” 

“See, how difficult was that!” Sam exclaimed. The only thing Steve could think was this is only the beginning, when Bucky finds out about the baby this would be the real test, how far that line really is. 


	10. Chapter 10

The stillness of the night crept over you. You lay there on your side, wide awake. Your insomnia once again overtaking your mind, and your body ached. You longed to sleep, to allow your mind to dream and to wake up feeling refreshed but this was a feeling that you had forgotten. You felt the coldness of the bed as you stretched your legs out and your feet felt like ice. You slowly rubbed them together to try and warm them up because you would do anything to not get out of the bed. He visited your mind less and less but still, he lived in there, just hiding at the back. You rolled from your side to your back and lay there, looking up to the ceiling. A hand slid over your stomach and reached the other side of your hip and he squeezed, before sliding you expertly into his arms. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and mumbled “why aren’t you asleep?”. You looked at the half awake man and a smile crept across your face. You lifted your hand and gently ran your fingers through his hair. He snuggled in to your neck and moaned at your touch.

He jumped awake as his feet felt yours and he was out of the bed in a second. He fumbled in the darkness, and slid back in the bed. He lent down and slid a pair of your fluffy socks on to your feet and the moment he lay down on his back you pounced. You laid your head on his chest and his arm wrapped around you. He placed a kiss on your forehead and his fingers interlaced in your hair.

“Mmm baby, if you can’t sleep you should tell me” he said, half asleep. You traced shapes on his bare chest. “I just woke up” you lied, you had been awake for hours. You shuffle to get more comfortable and he let go of you and nudged your body. You knew exactly what he wanted. You rolled on to your side and he pulled you in close. The warmth of his body filled you with comfort. The way his hand rested on your stomach made you smile. It’s how you fell asleep most nights. Steve’s arms wrapped around, his hand on your now increasingly sized baby bump. His face buried in your neck, his hand and arm keeping you close. You felt safe, safer than you had in months. Steve never, ever made you guess his feelings for you. After sharing a kiss, the two of you had started a relationship for real. It wasn’t difficult to lie to everyone because you weren’t, but hiding the baby bump was getting harder. You spent every night that Steve wasn’t on missions in his bed with him, and even if he was on a mission you slept in his empty bed. He wanted you to be safe, and being rolled up in his bedding with his scent made you safe. Steve would kiss you every opportunity he got, and you loved the way his hand would rest on your hip. You couldn’t get enough of him. It was fair to say that your feelings towards Steve hadn’t always been platonic even when you were dating Bucky but you’d never realised how much until London.

London was a game changer, and not just because you discovered you were pregnant. But because it felt like in that moment you saw Steve, and the way his touch electrified your skin. You had been ready to try and open your heart to someone else, to him but your world had come crashing down the moment you saw the two lines. And then, he was there. He held you close as you sobbed, supported you and agreed to go along with your crazy plan. You felt him pull you in a little closer and your eyelids began to flutter. You felt so safe in his arms. The rhythmic beat of his chest rising and falling lulled you to sleep. Your breathing matched his and you fell into a deep and comfortable sleep.

You felt his warm lips on your neck as your eyes flutter open and he’s there, waking you in your favourite way, soft kisses. You moaned as he pulled you closer again. “I have to go, I have a mission.” He whispered in your ear and you groaned out loud. You didn’t like to be apart from him. He was your stability. “How long?” you moaned as he continues to kiss down your neck. “Couple of days”. You can’t help but pout and he laughs. “Put that bottom lip away, you know how hard it is for me to ignore that pout”.

“Are you going now?” You whispered as his hands traced along your body. “Wheels up in 45, so i have time,” he says before kissing you. You melt in to his body and you feel at home.

———

You were expertly navigating the kitchen, making your favourite comfort food, nachos with more cheese than nachos. The music was loud, you enjoyed having the Tower to yourself. The Avengers had been gone for a few days and Steve had been texting you the entire time. You knew they were due back that evening so you thought you would take full advantage of the place to yourself for the next few hours. You were now four months pregnant, and it was getting more and more obvious that something was going on. You could barely keep food down, but when you discovered nachos and cheese was a meal you could keep down you. You took full advantage of the empty tower that you were wandering round in Steve’s hoodie which drowned you and hid your bump expertly.

Dancing around the kitchen you pulled the hot plate from the grill and your lips smacked as you saw the molten cheese bubbling away. You carefully loaded the plate and wandered over to the couch where you settle yourself. You took your first bite and it tasted like heaven.

“Oh” you hear his voice before you see him and you immediately tense up. Your initial reaction was to protect your stomach, and you pulled a cushion over yourself, hugging it closely. You knew it was only a matter of time before the two of you came face to face but you wished Steve was there to hold your hand.

“I didn’t think” he spoke as he hovered in the doorway watching your body tense. He is staring at his feet, unable to look at you. You tried to make yourself as small as possible. You hadn’t expected to hide your baby bump today, so your fail safe clothing was in your bedroom. The oversized hoody only works when you’re standing up.

“They are all on a mission” you said, trailing off at the end.

“I was on a different mission, I wanted to see if Steve or Nat wanted to hang out.”

Obviously Lucy was busy, you thought to yourself. You watched the way he hovered on the spot. You don’t know what possesses you but you heard the words coming out of your mouth and registered on his face.

“Want to go and grab a coffee?” you asked, shifting uncomfortably. He looked up at you and his eyes flickered away from you. You feel your heart beating hard in your chest as you wait for his reply. You study him, the way he is standing, his body leaning against the doorframe. His metal hand securely in his pocket, hiding it from sight. You can watch the thoughts working over his face. You knew him so well. He was going to accept your offer, you knew it.

“Sure, we could go for a walk. Maybe talk a bit.” he replied and you nodded.

“I need to get dressed. Wait here” you him a small smile. Moving carefully you stand up and turn your back to him and drop the cushion back on the couch. He watched as you moved. His mind reeling as he realised the moment you stood up you were wearing Steve’s clothes. The way the hoody engulfed you. You had never worn his clothing, but here you were with no one around wearing Steve’s. He ignored the voice that chimed into his head “she misses Steve. That’s why she’s wearing it”.

You moved quickly to the room you shared with Steve and grabbed a pair of jeans, which were already becoming tight. You look in the mirror as you throw off the hoody and grab a loose shirt and blazer. You are sure he is going to notice. You are sure he is going to see the moment you walk back in. You grab your purse and swing it over your head and rest it against your side. The satchel covers what the blazer doesn’t. You wanted to wait just a few more weeks until you told everyone. Steve wasn’t here to help reassure you. He wasn’t there to kiss your cheek, and hold your hand tight. When he squeezed your hand it felt like a jolt of electricity surging through your veins. You grab your phone and take a photo, and send it to Steve. You had no secrets between the two of you.

_Bucky dropped by to see you. We’re going for a coffee. Miss you, Captain x_

Taking a deep breath she exited their shared space and made her way to see the man who had broken her, to go for a coffee.

———–

The two of you walked in silence. You both walked in step down the busy sidewalk. The noise of New York filling the gaps in the silence. Bucky was an expert at blending in to a crowd and you, you were no one. You turned to him and asked “Where do you want to go for a coffee?” and he shrugged his shoulders, oh how you had missed the conversation with him.

“How about we go to Central Park and grab a coffee from that vendor, and just wander. Like we used to?” you said, and he flinched. You shouldn’t have reminded him. You could see the conflict on his face. The guilt and shame etched on to his face. He nodded and the two of you continued your walk towards the park in silence.

Approaching the small coffee stall you both approach the hatch and Bucky turned to you and asked “usual?” and before you can nod you realise “no, I am trying to cut down my caffeine, can I get a decaf black coffee?” and Bucky ordered, and paid. You take hold of the cup he handed you and he led the way. You took the familiar path. The two of you would spend Sunday mornings together, after breakfast walking in central park when you first started dating and he lived in the Tower. After that, when you had moved to your own apartment you had to walk a little further but the park was still there for you. The two of you would share the highlights of your week, and what you were anxious about for the upcoming. The first sign of him pulling away should have been when he kept missing your Sunday morning walks, claiming he needed to be in the office instead.

“I behaved appallingly Y/N” he spoke softly and you turned to him. Other park users bustled around you. You both continued to walk, and here it was the explanation you had wanted all those months ago. Only three months had passed since you had walked away from him but in truth the relationship had been over for much longer. You had just been the brave one to walk away.

“Yes, you did” you reply but give him a smile. He stalled. You were absolutely not going to give him an easy ride with this. You were not going to alleviate his guilt with ease. However, as you watched his face constrict, his thoughts whirling around his mind, you couldn’t help but want to let it all go. You wanted happiness with Steve. Not with Bucky. You barely recognised the man standing in front of you and a little voice in your head started “what if you never had him, what if you and he were never meant to be”

“Y/N, I can’t even begin to make it up to you” he tried again and you smile sweetly at him, and stop him in his place. “no you can’t.” Bucky’s face dropped, he took a slow mouthful of coffee and before he could say anything, you interrupted him. “But, Bucky, we are in the past. So why don’t we leave it there. Nothing you can say will change what happened between us. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy and that’s not with each other. For the sake of friendships, we need to learn how to be around each other without dredging up all of the past.”

He looked at you, and you fought the urge to place your hand on your stomach. You needed him to realise you had moved on, and so had he.

“I want to be happy for you Y/N. I really do. I want you to meet Lucy” he replied and you took a step back from him and it all happened in a flash. You feel something hard hit your side and you’re knocked to the ground. You hear Bucky shout and another man’s voice swearing at you. You’re on the ground and all you can register is the pain in your shoulder.

“Stupid bitch, look where you’re going!”

“Don’t call her a bitch!” you hear Bucky shout back to the man who is lying on the floor next to you. “Bucky, don’t” you whimper out as you sit up. You looked at the scene around you and it was clear. You had stepped backwards and knocked in to a man rollerblading which had knocked you and him to the ground.

“Bucky, I’m fine” you say as you wince. The weight of your shoulder and elbow causing you pain. “I need to go to the emergency room” and he picked you up from the floor and wrapped his arm around your waist and almost carried you from the park. He hailed a cab and after he slid in next to you he directed you to the closest emergency room.

“It’s ok. It looks dislocated, maybe broken” he looked at you, while you delicately cradled it.

“I need to tell Steve” you pulled your phone out and began to type a message.

_I tripped and fell in the park, I am going to get my shoulder checked out. I just want you to know I am safe and clumsy. X_

You ignored the flinch from Bucky as you mentioned Steve’s name. Afterall it was the mention of Lucy’s that had caused you not to notice the grown man hurtling towards you on rollerblades.

_Are you with Y/N? Is she ok? What happened?_

Bucky looked at you as he saw the message from Steve flash up on his phone. “Steve’s asking how you are” he told you as the cab pulled up.

“Tell him that I am ok, and I will ring him after the doctor has given me the ok” You slide out of the cab and walk off leaving him to follow you.

Waiting for the doctor you look over to him and he’s on his phone. A thought crossed your mind, you had been open and honest with Steve, how honest was Bucky.

“Does Lucy know you’re hanging out with me?” you asked and you watched as his head shot up. He shook it from side to side and you scoffed loudly. “Bucky. Stop lying to the women in your life.” You looked at your phone and saw message after message from Steve.

_Which hospital are you at?_

_What did the doctors say?_

_Baby, talk to me_

_I will be in New York in an hour._

“Steve’s on his way here” you state to Bucky as you text him your location and Bucky looked up at you.

“You both really are happy” he replied and you can’t help but nod and smile. You really were. You wanted to stay in this bubble for just a moment longer, however, that was not going to happen. The doctor entered the room and Bucky stands to leave but you signal for him to sit down, you wished you hadn’t.

“We need to send you for an X-Ray, but it looks like a nasty break and a dislocation of your shoulder. Before I send you for an X-Ray and prescribe pain medication I need to ask, is there any chance you could be pregnant?”

A cold shiver runs over your body and your heart rate begins to race. You looked at the doctor, and then to Bucky who is now watching you. You have no choice. For the sake of your baby you needed to tell the doctor the truth. You looked away from Bucky, you couldn’t bare it.

“Doctor, I am pregnant. About two months” you lied and Bucky jumped to his feet. He shook his head at you and stormed out of the hospital room. The doctor watched him leave and then turn back to you. “Did your boyfriend not know?” he asked cautiously. You shook your head “he’s not my boyfriend, an ex. He and I split up a couple of months ago” you say as tears roll down your face. You thought you could handle the lie, but watching Bucky storm out broke your heart.

“Have you seen a doctor about the baby?” and you shake your head. You had been avoiding it. The longest you could avoid the dates being put on a chart and paper trail then you could keep up the lie.

“Ok, so first we will sort out your arm, and then I will have a nurse come up and just take some vitals for you and the baby. You fell quite hard to do this damage. Is there anyone I can call for you?” and you shake your head no. You knew Steve was on his way. That is all you needed.

Steve was flying the jet, while the rest of the team relaxed in the back. They were already on their way back when he had received your message, it was as if fate had known. He was going to ignore the debrief and travel immediately to be by your side. The phone rang and you saw the name Bucky appear. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. answer the call from Bucky”

“What the fuck Steve, she’s PREGNANT?!” Bucky’s voice rings out in the jet. Steve had only been consumed by his concern for you, that he had forgotten that Bucky would find out. His eyes fly open wide. The commotion behind him caused by Bucky’s revelation distracted him. All he could think about was her.

“Buck, where is she now?” he replied sternly.

“She can’t have an X-Ray because she’s two months pregnant. You so eager to fuck her you knocked her up in London?” he spits back at him.

Natasha unclipped her belt and walked forward. “Bucky stop” she placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

“Can we talk about this later? This isn’t how we wanted to tell everyone can you please, please wait till later” Steve begged. He wanted so desperately to be by your side.

Bucky hung up the phone and Natasha looked at him. He turned around to see the Avengers team staring at him.

“So, I have an announcement. Y/N is pregnant, and we’re having a baby”


	11. The Lie

Your foot tapped against the edge of the bed to the rhythmic beep of the monitors hooked up to you and your bump. You wanted to leave the moment they had reset your shoulder but the doctor was insistent that they check your vitals, and the baby’s.The doctor was also insistent that you wait until someone picks you up. Bucky had stormed out of the room and left you alone, so you were sitting alone waiting for Steve to come and collect you, and hopefully take you home. Your ego was more bruised than your shoulder. How could you have fallen over a rollerblading man? You had caused more trouble with one small step and you knew that Bucky storming out was the least of your worries. The look Bucky had thrown you before storming out of the room replayed over and over in your mind. Why had you not asked him to step out of the room. He violated your trust, he didn’t have the right to be with you when you were in your vulnerable state, however there was something almost comforting with his presence in the room. You wanted to shake that thought from your head, all you wanted and needed was Steve to walk through that door and tell you everything was going to be ok, that he was here now and to feel his arms wrapped around you holding you tightly.

The door was almost pulled from its hinges and your head shot up to see Steve standing in front of you, still in uniform. You were pretty sure that was blood on his uniform. Dirt covered his face and he held his helmet in his hand. His shoulders heaved as he moved to you in a flash. When he had said he was on his way you had expected that he would at least have changed and maybe washed his face.

“Y/N. are you ok?” his hand gripped your and you feel your body relax in an instant. The fact that he was still wearing his uniform told you everything you need to know. You pulled your hand free from his and gently cupped his face. “Steve, I am fine. The baby is fine. I am a little bruised and embarrassed.” His lips kissed your palm as he relaxed into your touch. His eyes searching yours and you nod. You could swim in those blue eyes.

“Steve, honestly. I am fine. I had dislocated my shoulder. I bruised some bone but nothing is broken. They have reset my shoulder and I have to rest it for a while.”

He pulled back “That’s not fine sweetheart. That’s not fine at all. Does it hurt?” he asked as he surveyed your arm in the sling. Your hand dropped from his face and he grabbed it, and held it encased in his hand. He kissed your fingers and held it against his body. Steve never hid anything from you, especially his feelings. He was the opposite from Bucky, who had always been so guarded with you.

“The doctors gave me something for the pain” you smiled at him and he just couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You felt as if you were floating, it was a combination of the medication and the way he made you feel when he stared in to your eyes.

You shuffled to the side of the bed and you patted the space you had made for him on the bed. He looked at the space and then looked at you. You patted again and he cautiously sat down next to you and rested your body against his chest. He pulled his arm around you and his hand fell gently upon your waist. His heartbeat soothed you and you felt safe. You felt Steve’s lips kiss you on the head and his hand took yours. You could fall asleep in his arms. The stress from the last few hours had disappeared the moment you felt your body resting on his. He closed his eyes for a moment. The adrenaline that had been coursing through his veins from the moment he received your message, but the moment your hand touched his face he knew that you were safe. There was a knock at the door and you opened your eyes to see Bucky standing awkwardly watching the two of you.

“The doctor has some forms that need completing” and Steve kissed your forehead “i’ll go”. You looked up and he kissed your forehead again and walked towards Bucky. Bucky moved out of the way and watched Steve walk out of the room. He turned back to you and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I thought you left” you say, watching him awkwardly stand in the doorway.

“I didn’t want you to be on your own” he mumbled and you looked away from him. 

“Steve’s here now. If you want to go, I don’t mind.” you told him because truth be told, you didn’t need or want him there. You didn’t want to cause friction between Steve and Bucky and the longer he loitered the more frustrated you got.

“I am sorry about today. I shouldn’t have suggested you meet Lucy.” he mumbled again. Thoughts clouded your judgement. It was one thing to spend a quiet afternoon with him, but the mention of Lucy had caused your head to spin. You wanted to move on from him, and the betrayal. You didn’t want to know the details, yet at the same time you desperately wanted to know what had happened. How had he met her, when had he crossed the line and how could he possibly be in love with another woman while he lived with you. He pretended to be your partner, and while you had moved on the lack of answers meant that you never really could get the freedom you craved. What was wrong with you and why didn’t he want you, why did he want her? Steve made you feel like your old self. Confident, cared for and full of love. But the need for these answers was not going to go away, no matter how much you felt for Steve.

“Bucky, you don’t have to answer me now but I have questions that I want answers to. About her” His head dropped to the floor. He could barely look at you. Shame washed over him. He had avoided this conversation for months, in the hopes of never having to face what he had done to you.

“Can I write the questions down, and give it to you to answer. I don’t want to put you on the spot but…” you started but he interrupted “you need answers”

You nodded and he exhaled loudly. “Y/N, I don’t know if I can give you the answers you want”

Steve walked back in to the room and watched as Bucky and you exchanged looks. The tension in the room was thick. Steve walked past Bucky and stood by your side. His stance was protective. Bucky watched his oldest friend and his ex girlfriend side by side staring at him. There was no need for him to be there anymore. He wasn’t needed.

“Paperwork all done sweetheart. Thank you for staying Buck” he said as he kissed your forehead. You felt your eyes close and you inhaled his scent as he dipped down to you. You could feel the butterflies in your stomach as the scent enveloped you. Steve made you giddy. It didn’t matter that Bucky was standing in the room. You didn’t care. You didn’t care that he was there, watching you both. You wanted answers for closure. You didn’t want this to affect the rest of your life.

“I couldn’t leave her on her own”

“Funny that you care now” you spat back, without even thinking. Steve looked at you. His eyes filled with concern as you looked over to Bucky. His eyes to the floor again.

“Y/N” Bucky muttered and you interrupted him “sorry. That was rude.”

“I just wanted to say, congratulations, to you both”

It was awkward. You could feel your heartbeat in your chest. This was a test. Could you and Steve stand there and lie to Bucky. The pause felt as if it was going to last a lifetime. You didn’t know what to say. But you knew you couldn’t let Steve speak first.

“Thank you Bucky, we’re excited. It wasn’t what we expected but I guess” you looked up to Steve and reached out for his hand. Steve couldn’t look at Bucky. You hoped it wasn’t as obvious that he was struggling with the lie. Conflict written all over his face.

“Steve” he stuttered out as he walked towards the two of you. He reached out his hand and Steve looked at the hand, and then to you before his eyes settled on Bucky. He put his hand out and Bucky grasped it tightly.

“I’m sorry about what I said on the phone.I was out of order. Congratulations”

You’re holding your breath, sure that Steve is going to break the promise and tell Bucky the truth. Your hand rested on your bump. You were prepared for the fall out. What had Bucky said on the phone?

“Thank you Bucky. We’re thrilled” he held himself stoically. You exhaled. He was going to keep his vow. It was going to be your secret.

“I should go. I’ll sorry again Y/N” and Bucky left the room. You looked up to catch those blue eyes and the lock on to yours. His hand reached out and placed his hand on yours, resting on your bump.

“What did he say on the phone?” you asked and Steve shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.” and he kissed you. His lips felt as if they were breathing life in to you. You loved his scent. You loved how he made you feel, as if no one else mattered in the world but the two of you.

“How’s the baby?” he asked, and you smiled at him. “Healthy. The doctor just wanted to run vitials. Can you take me home please? I just want nachos and to curl up with you. You can tell me all about the mission and I will give you the best one handed back rub you have ever had”

He leaned down and kissed you deep and slow. “Baby. Your wish is my command. Just a warning though. Tony is already planning a party.”

“Of course he is. Promise me there will be nachos” you tell him as he helped you off the bed.

“Nothing but nachos for you sweetheart”. 

——

He walked back to his apartment. He had walked for hours, his thoughts his own companion. The conflict he felt hearing those words, and witnessing the way Steve cared for you filled his mind. The way your eyes had fluttered closed as Steve’s lips had touched your forehead felt like a dagger to his stomach. He climbed the stairs to his apartment and he could hear music as he approached the front door. Taking a deep breath he opened the door and saw greeted by Lucy dancing around the apartment. She spun around as she heard him close the front door. She skipped over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Hi baby. Did you have a good day?” she called out as she kissed him. His arms slowly wrapped around her waist. He rested his head on her shoulder. He couldn’t shake the jealousy that he felt. He had hoped the walk from the hospital would have given him the time to release the low level feeling sitting in the pit of his stomach. He had felt the room spin when he heard the words “Doctor, I am pregnant.” He couldn’t explain this feeling. His blood boiled at the thought of you being pregnant with Steve’s baby. He shouldn’t have called him. He shouldn’t have behaved so poorly.

“Baby?” Lucy pulled back and asked him as he was lost in his thoughts. He looked at her. Her eyes sparkled as she watched his face. Her sparkle was something that had attracted him to her. The way her face would light up when he would walk in to Greens, he had forgotten what it felt like to flash that playboy smile and for women to fawn over him. She made him feel like he was back in the 1940’s. You had been stable, sensible and kind. Lucy was fun, and enthusiastic. She had a lust for life that Bucky just couldn’t get enough of. He loved her. She never made him feel like he was a monster. You had been cautious, treated him as if he was wounded. You had met him shortly after his rehabilitation and he always thought you were aware of it. Lucy never did. It could be because Lucy really didn’t understand who he was, or his past, or even because she enjoyed the hint of celebrity it came with.

“I saw Y/N today” he said, pulling back and walking to the fridge. He pulled a bottle of water out and drank it slowly and watched for her reaction. “How is she?” she cautiously asked as she stood against the counter. She turned the music off and waited for his response.

“She’s dating Steve.” he muttered. Lucy watched as he looked at her. She didn’t shy away from talking about you. Every now and again she would find something of yours and Bucky would hide it immediately. She knew that he had been dating someone when she met him. He used to order two coffees to go, and then soon after he would order one, to stay. She didn’t for a moment think that he had been living with someone and when she discovered it she had been furious with him. The last thing she wanted was to be a homewrecker. She understood why she had not met any of his friends, why she had been kept away from them. It was because of you. She watched as he waited for her response. She shuffled from side to side as she thought about her response. She took a deep breath and eyed him, she asked. “How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. He was struggling to put into words his feelings. She stood apart from him. This was the first real conversation about you the two of them had had. The first time had been when Lucy had been putting away laundry and discovered a t- shirt that was clearly too small for Bucky and it wasn’t her’s. She had asked Bucky who the t-shirt belonged to and he had explained that he had been living with a woman before he met her, and that it must have been put in there by error and he had thrown it out.

“She’s pregnant”

Lucy’s head shot up to look at him. His face constricted. It had only been a few months. This had to hurt. Moving on and dating someone new is one thing, but starting a family is different. Lucy had moved in because she needed somewhere to live and sure, it was fast she knew that but Bucky had assured her that it would work and so far it had.

“That’s pretty serious,” she replied. Her eyes scanned over him. The space between them seemed to be growing. “Bucky, it is ok to be upset. You know that right?” she said and he shook his head. He took a step towards her and she braced herself against the counter. “I am not upset,” he said unconvincingly. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Bucky. You shared a history with her. Steve the closest thing you have to family. Your feelings are valid” He buried his face in her neck. She felt the way his shoulders heaved and she allowed him to release the feelings he had been holding in his chest. She stroked his back as he melted into her.

“Buck, baby.” she said and he pulled back from her. “Are you happy with us?”. He stood there, his eyes red from crying.

He paused. He opened and closed his mouth as he watched her. She stood stoically. Waiting to hear that he was full of regret, that perhaps seeing her happy with someone else made him question his own relationship. He reached out and took hold of her hand.

“I am happy with us. I love you.” he stated and leaned in and kissed her fully.

“It was a surprise. I want them to be happy together but I know it will take some adjustment. I asked her to meet you. I would like everyone to meet you.” her eyes lit up. Moving in with Bucky was a serious move but the longer he kept Lucy away from his family and friends the more insecure she felt. He kissed her.

“Knowing Tony, there will be a celebration, so would you like to come with me?” he asked and she squealed. She kissed him and dragged him willingly to their bedroom to show him just how much she appreciated him.


	12. The Party

There was a stillness this morning. The calm before the storm. The storm being the afternoon tea that Tony, with the help of Pepper had planned to celebrate your news. Sunlight peaked round the corners of the blinds and you lay on your side in your oversized bed staring at him. He was sound asleep. You watched the way his chest rose and fell. The small flutter of his eyelashes as he dreamed. You had woken up naturally and you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. His hair flopped down over his face. You had to use all of your restraint not to brush the hair from his face. You wanted to run your fingers through his hair, but watching him sleep was more important than waking him up to see the blue eyes that made you feel safe. Watching Steve sleep was a little guilty pleasure of yours. You couldn’t help but smile. His pink lips, parted and looked so inviting. You wiggled closer to him and as you leaned over to kiss him he pounced. He wrapped his arms around your waist and slid you under him, while still being careful not to touch your shoulder. 

“Watching me sleep again Y/N?” he asked as he kissed the tip of your nose. You giggled and he kissed you, slowly and deeply. “I can’t help it, you look so peaceful” you giggled again as his lips tickled you as he kissed down your neck. 

“Steve….” you moaned gently and he set himself up on his elbows and looked at you. “Y/N…..” he replied. 

“I need to pee” you tell him shyly and he pulled the blanket from you and you jumped out. You turn around and point at him and tell him “Don’t go anywhere”. He jumped on to his knees and drew a cross across his heart. You bite your lip and your face crumbled as you let out another giggle. You felt as if you were flying high. A smile would beam across your face even at the thought of him. He made you happy, happier than you had ever been in your life. He made your stomach flip when his lips touched yours, and you melted into him every time. You finished in the bathroom and rushed out to see him standing there dressed in jeans and a white shirt, tucked in. You smirked to yourself, you could take the man out of the 1940’s but he’s still going to tuck his shirt into his jeans. Your face dropped a little when you realised that him dressed meant that he wasn’t going to come back to bed with you. You can’t help but pout and he walked over to you. He wrapped his strong arms around your waist and looked down at you. You know that he has a weakness for this pout. 

“Sweetheart, I have a few things to do before the party this afternoon.” he dipped his head and kissed you deeply again. You moaned and allowed your head to drop back. “Fine. fine, go and leave me here, alone in this big bed”. He patted you gently on the ass, and whispered “oh what makes you think you’re staying in that big bed?” You looked up at him confused and he smirked at you. “Nat and Wanda are taking you out for some pampering. I have no idea what words they were using but they demanded your presence. I’ll meet you in the kitchen” You sighed loudly. He placed his hand on your bump and asked “what do you want for breakfast?” with every suggestion he kissed you “pancakes… toast… porridge….” 

“Steve, whatever you want” you beam back at him. He placed a kiss on top of your head and as he walked away he turned round to you and informed you “I am going to make you all three” 

“Steve,” you called out and he winked before he closed the door. You sighed, and you danced on the spot. It was the only way to express the happiness you felt. Steve really made you happy, and all you wanted to do was make him happy. You had made up your mind, you were going to say those three words to him after the party. You were deeply and madly in love with Steve Rogers, and you couldn’t wait to tell him. But first, get ready for the day. 

\------------------

He lay in bed and reached out to find the bed next to him was empty. He looked around the room and took in the difference. The room was covered in Lucy’s belongings. She had suggested they get all new furniture when she moved in. The moment she had discovered your shirt she had started suggesting that perhaps the apartment needed a revamp. Slowly, they had together changed the apartment so it reflected them, or so Lucy had told him. He didn’t recognise their bedroom. It was all Lucy. 

“Babbbbby” he heard Lucy’s voice from the kitchen and he slowly made his way to the kitchen. He found her wearing a tank top and panties in front of the stove. She was dancing around and cooking. 

“Babbbby” she called back again and she turned round to see him standing there. He placed his hands on her waist and she jumped. “Bucky! I have told you, your metal hand is cold!!” she scolded him and he kissed her neck. “I am sorry Doll. I’ll remember”. “Don’t worry. I have made us brunch. I am so excited for this afternoon!” she told him and he smiled. He was worried about it. It had seemed like such a good idea when he had suggested that she come with him but now it was the day of the party. He had a thought at the back of his head, that perhaps he should at least warn Steve that Lucy was coming along. But why should he? This was a party to celebrate Y/N and Steve and their baby. She had moved on, and so had he. Why should it matter how Lucy and he met. Natasha and Steve had been angry with him at first but now, now they seemed to have calmed down. Steve was the happiest he had ever seen him, and it would make sense for him to bring Lucy to a family party. Right? 

“I am glad” he said as they sat down to eat. They ate in silence, and he looked around their living room and again, he barely recognised the space. It hadn’t seemed much when she had suggested a few changes but it was as if all of a sudden he didn’t feel like he fit in his own apartment. 

“What do you think I should wear? It’s a party right?” she asked him. He paused. “It’s a party but it’s an afternoon thing so casual?” 

“How about I do a fashion show for you! I want to make a good impression on everyone” 

“Doll, you’re going to look incredible whatever you wear.” 

“I am thinking, what about that red dress?” she asked, and his eyes opened wide. She looked incredible in the red dress and he moved forward and picked her up. 

“Bucky!! Put me down” she squealed as he carried her to the bedroom. 

\---------------------

When Tony had told you he wanted to throw you both a party you had tried to tell Steve no. You had been to enough Tony parties that the thought of being the guest of honour at one, pregnant and your shoulder in a sling filled you with dread. You didn’t want to be the centre of attention. However, you knew that once Tony had his mind set on celebrating someone, there was nothing you could do but go with it. Steve had promised to hold your hand the whole time, and not leave your side so you had agreed. You agreed on one condition. Pepper had to be involved in the planning. Steve’s hand was in yours and he led you in to the party. He dipped his head low to yours and whispered in your ear “You look beautiful Sweetheart” and you rolled your eyes at him. You had struggled to find a comfortable summer dress that covered just how pregnant you were. You ended up with a polka dot blue dress that floated over your bump. The dress code was casual. Steve looked sexy as hell, as always. A crisp white button up shirt with black jeans. You had almost begged him not to go to the party so you could undress him, he looked so good. He had managed to persuade you to leave your bedroom and go downstairs to the party. As you walked in you gasped. The room was covered in pastel balloons, and streamers. A banner that read CONGRATULATIONS STEVE & Y/N. There was even a tower of cupcakes to the side and you desperately wanted to eat all of them. If Steve or Tony had told you there would be cupcakes then you would have been dragging him to the party, not the other way round. Tony approached you and kissed you on the cheek. 

“Y/N. welcome to your party! Let me show you around” he asked and you both followed him around as he pointed out all of the little touches. Tony had gone all out for you and it warmed your heart to see the way in which they loved you. 

“We do have some alcohol, but also, Pepper said I should have also have a mocktail menu, so ladies choice what would you like?” Tony asked and handed you a menu. Each mocktail was named after an Avenger and you had no choice but to laugh. 

“Well Tony, I will obviously have to have a Captain America” you beamed up at Steve and leaned down and whispered “later sweetheart”. You can’t help but giggle again. “You two, are sickeningly sweet” you hear Natasha’s voice and she hugged you. Steve’s hand never left yours. He was always a man of his word. If he made you a promise he was there. 

Tony handed you your drink and the party began. It was wonderful to see everyone, a lot of people had been invited because of Steve and he had the joy of introducing you to everyone. As you were doing the rounds of the guests you didn’t notice the late arrivals. Natasha, Sam and Tony were standing at the bar when they walked in. 

“You have got to be joking me” Natasha said, causing Sam and Tony to look at the doorway and there was Bucky and Lucy. Lucy was wearing a tight short red dress, and Bucky was wearing a shirt and jeans. She looked like she was dressed for a nightclub, not an afternoon party celebrating a pregnancy. 

“Oh Buck, no” Sam muttered and Tony moved “I’ll deal with this” but Natasha stopped him. “I’ll go” and Natasha stormed over to them. Bucky was looking around and when he saw Natasha he nodded hello. “Bucky, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but what the fuck do you think you are doing?”. He was taken aback with the question and put his hand around Lucy’s waist holding close. 

“Natasha, don't. This is a party” he growled at her. 

“Lucy, this is Natasha” he pointed at her and she smiled sweetly “pleasure” but it was clear this was no pleasure. Natasha leaned in and hugged Bucky and whispered in his ear “get. Her. out. Of. here” 

“No. Lucy is my girlfriend, and this is a party to celebrate Steve and his girlfriend..Y/N.”

“Your funeral Buck” she replied and walked away from them. Bucky followed and took them over to meet Sam and Tony. Tony stared at her, shocked that she would come with him. He didn’t know what to do but was saved by Pepper who joined them as Natasha, Lucy and Bucky reached the bar. 

“Hi, I am Pepper” she smiled and put her hand out. As Lucy put her hand out and said “ Hi, I am Lucy” Pepper grasped it and looked at Tony “seriously” and Tony nodded. “Hi Lucy, welcome to our home” and she pulled her hand back and Tony just stared at her, before stating his name as if it was for the record “Tony”. Tony and Pepper walked away, Natasha following, she needed to warn Steve and Y/N before they found out that he had brought her. 

Bucky was furious. The way they were all behaving was rude. Sam had nodded before walking off from them. This was the first time his family was meeting her and they were being horrible to her. “Wait here Doll” he instructed and left her on her own at the bar. He was going to deal with this immediately. He headed over to Sam, Tony, Pepper and Natasha who were now propping up the cupcake table.

  
  


You made your way to the bar. Steve had abandoned you to go to the bathroom, which was the only time he let go of your hand. You desperately needed to get another Captain America mocktail. You saw a woman you vaguely recognised standing at the bar. She was overdressed, and you felt as if you were wearing a black sack standing next to her. Her legs were almost the height of you, and she was so glamorous. You adjusted your headband and you couldn’t help but you felt that you looked frumpy next to this beautiful young woman. 

“Hi, I love your dress” the woman turned to you and you smiled a thank you. You didn’t believe her for a second.

“I can’t believe I am at a Tony Stark party! They are legendary” she beamed at you as she took in the extravagance in front of you both and you nodded. “First one?” you asked and she nodded again. She took a mouthful of her drink and then turned to you. “Yea, I missed the last one, my boyfriend was almost late to it because he was refusing to leave my bed. It was this big gala! He looked so good in his suit, it was hard for me to let him go without me. He promised to take me to the next one though and here I am” You looked at her, and were confused. You couldn’t remember where you knew her from. She looked so familiar. 

“Oh, who’s your boyfriend” you asked quizzically. It was if the room began to spin. You knew before she said. You realised where you knew her from. Greens. She worked in Greens.

“Fuck, you’re Lucy.” you stuttered. You looked manically around the room for Steve. You needed him, you needed anyone to save you from this. You put your hand to your mouth. You felt sick, physically sick. You knew you were going to throw up. You couldn’t throw up in front of everyone. You needed to get to the bathroom. You choked back the sob before looking up and seeing Bucky walking towards you. 

“Yea, I am Lucy, what’s your name?” she asked you and you shook your head. You moved as quickly as your body would allow and you pushed past Bucky who called after you. He reached Lucy and she said “she was fucking rude” and he exhaled. He looked around and watched as Natasha moved quickly after you. He was in trouble.

As you moved through the throngs of people, you looked for him and he was nowhere to be seen. Natasha had watched the end of the interaction and had tried to intercept you as you moved. 

“STEVE!” Natasha called out pointing to you and he looked and saw the flash of your dress heading to the bathroom. The speed of your movement caused him to panic and he ran after you. Natasha walked over to Bucky and Lucy. “You need to leave now. You shouldn’t have brought her here. Bucky. Leave. now” .Bucky wrapped his arm around Lucy and said “let’s go” and he dragged her from the room. 

  
  
  


The coldness of the tiles on your knees hurt. You had managed to make it to the bathroom before hurling the entire contents of your stomach into the toilet. Your forehead rested on the seat as you heard the door open and close. 

“Sweetheart” you heard the soft tone of Steve’s voice and you suppressed your sobs. You heaved and threw up again. Your head was spinning. Her words played over and over in your mind. He had been late to the gala because he had been with her. He had been fucking her. The last night he had made love to you, only hours earlier he had been fucking her. 

“Y/N” he tried again and the broken sobs echoed in the bathroom. He hovered behind you, unsure of what was happening. “Sweetheart, what happened”. He walked over to you and pulled your hair back. He rubbed your back and allowed you to sob. He didn’t know what had happened to cause you so much distress. All he cared about was the state you were in and helping you. He walked over and grabbed a hand towel, and dampened it. He came back to you as you were sitting against the wall. He wiped your face, and the tears from your eyes. 

“Sweetheart, what happened” 

“He was fucking Lucy the whole time” you sobbed out. “He...he… was late to the gala because he was fucking her. I waited for him at home like a fool. I have this baby because of him and hours before he was fucking her” 

Steve kneeled down beside you and wrapped his arms around you. Your head rested on his chest and you sobbed. “Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry”. The two of you sat there in silence, the only sound was your ragged breath as you tried to calm down. He held you close and stroked your hair.

There was a knock at the door and Natasha’s face appeared. She looked at the scene in front of her and she wanted to hurt Bucky. She mouthed “she ok?” and he nodded. “Party’s over” she mouthed and he nodded and mouthed “thank you”. She closed the door and went to help Tony clear out the party. 

“Y/N, I am going to pick you up ok?” he said as he slid his arm under your legs and picked you up as if you weighed nothing. He carried you to your bedroom and undressed you carefully. Every touch was soft and delicate. You had completely submitted to him and he took care of you. He pulled a t- shirt over your head and laid you down. He moved away from the bed. You panicked as he moved away from you and muttered “Don’t leave me Steve”. He kicked off his shoes, and removed his clothes before pulling on his own t-shirt and you felt the bed dip as he climbed behind you and pulled you in close to him. You melted into his touch and he whispered into your ear “I am not going anywhere Y/N.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

He watched as your chest rose and fell as you dreamed deeply. You had cried yourself to sleep in his arms. He was furious. He felt physical pain watching the way your shoulders shook, the way you took deep breaths as you tried to calm down from the sobs. He needed to talk to someone about this. He reached over and pulled his phone off of the side and messaged Natasha to meet him in the kitchen. He kissed your forehead and slid out of your bed. He watched your eyes flutter as you dreamed and knew he could slip away to talk this over with Natasha. If he had any hope of sleeping he needed to vent. He dressed in the dark and made his way to the kitchen. He found Natasha there spooning ice cream in to two bowls. She watched him enter and as she moved to put the lid back on the ice cream he shook his head and she heaped another generous spoonful in to a bowl. She placed the icecream back in the freezer and handed him the second bowl. He nodded thanks and pulled out a stool. 

“I don’t know what he was thinking,” Natasha said as she pulled out a stool and sat down. Steve took a mouthful of chocolate ice cream and shook his head. Truth be told he had no idea what was going on with Bucky. First be ends his relationship out of the blue, and shows Y/N little regard, and then moves her in to his apartment. He then decided to bring her to a party to celebrate Y/N, and she dropped the bomb that their relationship had been going on longer than 4 months. Steve knew he needed to deal with this. He was conflicted. On one hand he wanted to beat the living shit out of Bucky for every moment of pain he had caused the woman he loved, but on the other, he was so concerned for Bucky. He didn’t recognise this behaviour. Sure Bucky had been a ladies man back in the day, but this was different. He had made a commitment to you, and it was if he hadn’t cared for one moment all of the pain and suffering he had put you through. 

“I think I need to go and speak to him” Steve told her in between spoonfuls of ice cream. The clang of Natasha dropping her spoon in her bowl caused Steve’s head to look up at her. She sat there, wide eyed and staring him down. “What?” he asked and she started to chew her lip. She was fighting back from bursting out about her opinion. “What?” Steve pushed again. She exhaled and told him as a matter of fact “you need to kick his ass. I don’t know what that woman said to Y/N but bringing her without warning to your party is deserving of an ass kicking” 

Steve listened to her, and mulled it over. He finished the bowl of ice cream and looked at Natasha who hadn’t looked away from him. She stared him down, waiting for a response. 

“Bucky was seeing Lucy longer than we thought” and Natasha reached for the gun under the counter. She pulled it out and cock it. Steve exclaimed “NATASHA! Put the gun down” 

“I am going to kill him” she moved off the stool and he reached out and grabbed her wrist. “Nat. stop. Let me talk to him. Find out what the hell is going on. No guns, no knives” he added as she reached for a knife from the knife block. She replaced the gun under the counter and scoffed at him. “He deserves to have his ass handed to him, and I would gratefully do it. What the fuck is he doing” 

Steve picked up both bowls and set them in the sink. “I don’t know Nat, but until I get to the bottom of this, he needs to keep Lucy away from Y/N”

“Don’t even say her name. I prefer, homewrecker” Natasha quipped back. She bid him goodnight and left him alone to wash the bowls up. He ran the water and his mind began to wander. He wanted to confront Bucky. He wanted to scream at him, shake him and find out what the hell he was doing. The last few months he had been so consumed with you, and he loved it. He loved you. He had been disappointed by Bucky’s behaviour and he had distanced himself from Bucky. He struggled to look at him in the beginning because when he did, all he could see was the broken shell of a woman you had become. Bucky had barely cared about you. It was as if, when you walked out of the apartment you had walked out of existence. Steve had made a judgement call. You needed his help, and Bucky? Bucky was carrying on as if nothing had happened. He had lost count of the number of times he had held you till you had cried yourself to sleep. You wouldn’t tell him what Lucy had said to you but the gist was the affair had been happening longer than anyone had known, and it had been physical. The bowl he was washing smashed in his hand as anger fueled his body. This was not how men behaved. This is not what he expected from his best friend. There was a voice at the back of his head, that gently whispered “it’s bucky’s baby”. He shook his head trying to shake the thought from his mind. He was lying to everyone. He was hiding the truth. How different was he from Bucky? 

“Steve?” he turned and found you standing there, a blanket wrapped around you. You looked up at him and he swiftly pulled you in to his arms. His strong hands rubbed your back gently. You felt safe as the rhythm of his heartbeat against your body soothed you. 

“Is there ice cream?” you muttered and he pulled back from you. He opened the freezer and grabbed the tub, and spoons. He spun you around and with an arm wrapped around your waist he walked you back to bed. He would deal with Bucky tomorrow but for now he wanted to hold you in his arms while you both found comfort in the form of ice cream.

  
  


\------------

Steve looked around the room. The room screamed Lucy. He hadn’t been here since he had confronted Bucky about Y/N all those months ago. He barely recognised the place. Every hint of you had been wiped from existence. The photos on the wall had been replaced with photos of Bucky and Lucy. Bucky was in the kitchen and he could hear him clambering around. Steve studied the photos and was amazed at how many photos they had managed to take in a short couple of months together. You and Steve had very few together, but perhaps that said more about Lucy. He looked at them closely, and he could already feel the anger building in his body. Whatever Lucy had told you must have been serious. Steve didn’t want to ask you. He didn’t want you to replay the pain over again for him. He had come over to talk to Bucky about his behaviour at the party. He wanted answers but now he was here he couldn’t keep his cool. Bucky walked out of the kitchen and handed him a cup of coffee. He stood awkwardly and drank from his coffee cup, watching the way Bucky awkwardly blocked the photos. 

“Where is Lucy?” Steve asked and Bucky quietly answered “she’s at Greens” and Steve nodded accepting his response. The two of them stood in silence, not looking at each other. 

“Look Steve, about last night” Bucky started and Steve took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready for the next words. 

“I am sorry if me and luce caused any problems” he said matter of factly. Steve’s blood boiled. He was barely keeping his cool but this statement from Bucky was too much. Steve hurled the cup of coffee against the wall. The smash caused Bucky to brace himself against the wall. The dark liquid slowly ran down the wall and covered the photographs of the smiling cheaters. 

“Any problems?!” Steve called out and Bucky stared at him, wide eyed. He had never seen this side of Steve. Steve had never raised his voice to him. He had never spoken harshly to him but now, he was seeing a different side of him. 

Steve crossed the room in a few steps and had Bucky pinned against the wall. His voice was low, and clear. “One of you is lying. Which is it? You, or Lucy?” “I don’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about” Bucky stuttered out, Steve’s behaviour now starting to scare him. Bucky looked away, he couldn’t bear to look at Steve in the eye. Steve’s fist connected with the wall to the right of Bucky’s head and his head shot up to look in to his eyes. Steve’s chest heaved as he breathed through the anger which coursed through his veins. Bucky had stood there and lied to him. He had told a bare faced lie all those months ago. Bucky knew what Steve was asking. His lie had finally caught up. 

“How long?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Bucky’s head dropped down again and Steve growled “how long Buck?”. Bucky didn’t respond and Steve punched the wall again closer to Bucky’s face. Bucky flinched. “6 months but it’s not what you think”. Steve stumbled backwards, shocked. The words “6 months” repeated over and over in his mind. Bucky slid down the wall and his head fell in to his hands, his arms propped on his knees. 

Steve paced around the living room, occasionally looking over to Bucky. He knew this would destroy you, to find out that the affair had been active and for 6 months. The conflict about how he felt about you, and the promise he had made. He looked over to Bucky who now was sobbing. The hiding, the lying from his family had taken its toll on him. He needed Steve to understand that he never meant for any of this to happen. But it was clear that Steve didn’t care. 

“I have made such a mess Steve” he stuttered out between sobs. Steve walked over and stood over him. He looked down and barely recognised the man he called his best friend. How could he behave in such a reckless way? His behaviour towards you had been downright disgusting. Anger fueled him. 

“Stop this. You’re not the victim here” he commanded and Bucky looked up at him. His eyes red from tears. Bucky looked pathetic. He looked down and pitied the man before him. 

“I’m sorry. It just all got out of hand” he whispered and Steve shook his head at him. He hadn’t come here for a fight but the more he looked at Bucky the more he wanted to punch him in the face. All the pain and suffering he had caused, and the only thing he had to say for himself was “it got out of hand” 

“That’s bullshit Bucky” he spat back at him and Bucky looked up at him. When Steve’s eyes connected with his, he looked away. He could barely take the shame of his actions. He couldn't stand the way Steve was looking at him. 

“What I don’t understand Bucky, is if you were so unhappy with Y/N why not just end it. Why do this? Why betray her trust, her love for you. You should have seen the state of her when she left. She was barely eating, drinking heavily and you broke her. You walked away and you didn’t even for a moment think of her. You just thought about yourself. When did you become so selfish?”

Bucky just watched as Steve stood there, telling him the truth. Steve asked him questions that he didn’t expect or want an answer to. 

“Do you have any idea the trust issues she has? And then you bring her to the party? What possessed you to bring her to the party? Tell me the thought process you had, because I can’t imagine why you would do this? Then you leave Lucy alone and SHE TELLS HER ABOUT THE AFFAIR!?” he shouted the last words. The words vibrated around the room. Bucky’s head dropped to his hands again. “It wasn’t an affair in the beginning. It wasn’t physical. We were just hanging out. She was fun. I didn’t physically do anything till after Y/N left” 

“Buck. I have to ask. Do you hate Y/N? Because i can’t imagine how you could hurt someone so much. Don’t you understand, just because you waited till you broke Y/N to fuck Lucy doesn’t make your behaviour ok. What is wrong with you?!?” 

“I don’t. I never meant to hurt her” he muttered and Steve laughed, coldly. 

“Bullshit” he spat back at him. Steve exhaled, loudly in the hopes that the anger that was fueling him. He couldn’t fight him like this. He was pathetic. 

“Bucky, you’re nothing but a coward. Stay away from the Tower. Stay away from me.”

“Steve, no!” Bucky cried out, he was on his feet and following Steve as he walked to the door. “I am not going to tell Y/N because she’s finally happy. I make her happy. We’re going to be a family. Stay away from us.” 

“Steve, please, please wait. Let me explain” he said grabbing hold of his arm. Steve snapped. He turned round and punched him in the face, and knocked him to the floor. The power in the punch was every frustration Steve had felt in the last 24 hours. Bucky lay there on the floor, shocked and unable to compute what he was telling him. “No Bucky. I don’t want to hear it. There is nothing in the world you could say that makes this ok. Just leave us alone” and Steve slammed the door behind him hearing Bucky cry out “I am sorry!” those three words meaning nothing. As he stormed out of the building he called Fury. 

“Captain Rogers, what can I do for you” Fury asked emotionlessly.

“Bucky is on solo missions for the foreseeable future” 

“Do I want to ask why?” fury replied.

“No. just make it happen” Steve ordered and hung up. The only thing he could think about was you and keeping you safe. 

  
  


\-------

Steve walked home from Bucky’s. He needed to walk to burn off the anger. He wanted to come home to you and give you his full attention. He couldn’t comprehend what he had just done. He didn’t want to look or think of Bucky. He just wanted nothing more than to settle on the couch with you and watch tv. He didn’t even care what was on the screen. He just wanted to feel the weight of your body against his. He wanted to get lost staring in to your eyes, and watch as the smile crept across your face. He loved your smile. The way it lit up your whole face. You were everything he wanted. He had messaged Natasha and Sam to tell them that Bucky would be only taking part in solo missions for the future and they had agreed. Bucky bringing Lucy to the party was a selfish and cruel thing to do and perhaps he needed more time away from the team to understand how his behaviour affected others. 

He walked in to the tower and trudged to their bedroom. He needed a shower and a cuddle. He knew that the moment he looked in to your eyes and felt your hands wrapped around his waist he would feel better. It felt as if he had lost a brother today. He heard the soft gentle tinkle of music as he approached your bedroom. His hand grasped the door handle and he closed his eyes. He took the moment to appreciate you. He knew he was about to walk in to you dancing around the room and it made him smile. He opened the door and was greeted by the overwhelming smell of vanilla. The room was dark, with the soft glow of yellow highlighting parts of the room. The room was covered in candles. His eyes searched for you and you stood there waiting for him. He smirked, F.R.I.D.A.Y must have alerted you to his arrival. You stood there watching as he walked towards you. He noticed you were only wearing a robe. He cocked his head to the side and eyed you before you walked towards him. 

“Sweetheart, what is all this?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around your waist and kissed you deeply. 

“I have a bath running for us, but before that I want to tell you something” you tell him. You’re nervous. Your heart is beating so loudly you’re sure he can hear it over the sound of the music filling your room. You wanted to make this special. You needed him to know exactly how you felt. You had never felt this way before. In the past you had said those three little words and thought you had meant it, but until now you have never truly understood the emotion attached. Steve consumed you. 

“What is it Sweetheart?” he said kissing you deeply again. 

“Steve, I love you” 

The power of those three words floored him. He had dreamed of hearing those words from your mouth, and he stared at you. The words repeated over and over in his head. He was unaware of his surroundings. The only thing he could register were your eyes, and the smile across your face. 

“Y/N, I love you”

Your smile mirrored his and you reached up to him. Your hands grabbed his face. You kissed him. You poured your love in to the kiss. 

“There was mention of a bath” Steve pulled back and wiggled his eyebrows. You squealed, and grabbed his hand dragging him willingly in to the bathroom. Those three words meant everything. 

  
  



	14. Three months later

  
Today was like every other day. Three months had flown by and with every day the silent treatment hurt Bucky more and more. He spent his time either alone on missions, with Lucy or alone in their apartment waiting for Lucy. This morning Lucy had gone out which left Bucky alone in their shared apartment. Lucy was angry at him. She had stormed out that morning after Bucky had explained that they needed to be more careful with more, or truthfully she needed to be more careful with their money. She had come home to inform him that she had quit her job as she couldn’t be expected to work in a coffee shop while being the girlfriend of an Avenger. He had tried to explain to her that every precaution was taken in her safety, but she had got angry and thrown a vase at his head. He had ducked in time for it to hit the wall and smash. Apparently her safety wasn’t the point. He wasn’t sure what he had said that was so wrong but he knew he needed to make it up to her. She was angry with him a lot. He had tried to explain that they needed both of their incomes to maintain their lifestyles, well her lifestyle. She had taken the news that they wouldn’t be going to the Tower for a while by smashing the photos on the wall. She picked each one up and smashed it, explaining to Bucky how this was all his fault, and how this was detrimental to her. He had tried desperately to explain that this was a short term thing, and that Steve just needed time to settle in with you and the idea of a baby. The solo missions would stop soon, and he would be welcomed back to the family. Did she not realise everything he did was for her. This morning she had been so angry at him. It just seemed that no matter what he did, she wasn’t happy. He had spent the last three months trying not to think about you. He was overcome with guilt when he thought of you. He had buried down his feelings for you and distracted himself with Lucy. But as the cracks around his relationship with Lucy began to show he couldn’t help but compare the life he had with you that he had betrayed. When Lucy had come home from Greens that morning after Steve’s visit she had found him lying in the dark, in bed. She had expected him to make her dinner, and when he had explained that things would be different from now on she had got angry at him, smashed the photos and gone out. He had lay there all night, waiting for her to come home and she didn’t. He could easily compare this to the day he had come home to you after a news article had called him a monster who could never reform. You had held him as he cried. You had run him a bath and taken care of him, in a way that felt so alien to him. He had thrown love away for a flashy distraction. He ignored it. He ignored the unsettling thought he had about Lucy and continued to allow her to be the distraction. He could make Lucy happy, he just needed to stop being so inconsiderate.

As she had slam of the door he looked around at the mess. It was his fault. He knew he would need to make it up to her and that if she just had some time to cool off then he could make it up to her. Maybe buy her that watch she wanted. He could speak to Fury about an increase in living stipend, that way Lucy didn’t need to work. He carefully cleared up the smashed glass, and the accompanying flowers that he had brought her back after a week-long mission. He surveyed their apartment. He’d replaced the photo frames on the wall, and looked at them. He looked at the smiling faces in the photo and he barely recognised himself. Lucy draped herself across his body in every photo, always on his left side, hiding his arm. He’d never noticed it before but there she was. In every photo covering his arm. She hated his arm. She would tell him how cold it was when he tried to touch her so he had learnt to only use his right hand. In the beginning she was so curious about his arm, how it made her excited. She had even told him how she had touched herself late at night thinking about him, long before they were together. She excited him. He wandered backwards until his knees hit the couch and he sat down. The weight of his realisation feeling like a tonne of bricks falling on him. He turned around and removed the multiple cushions blocking his body from relaxing in to the couch. When had they bought so many cushions? He looked around the apartment and he thought of you. How much simpler his life had been with you. You never yelled, you never smashed anything and at no point had you ever treated him other than a partner. Lucy demanded everything from him and all he wanted to do was keep her happy. Keep her happy so she would stop smashing things. Keep her happy so she wouldn’t shout at him. He noticed his phone on the coffee table and thought of his family. He picked up his phone and looked at the notifications. Five missed calls from Lucy. 10 messages from Lucy but no one else. He knew she would be mad, and at least one of the messages from her would be the item of jewelry that he needed to buy her to make it all better. He exhaled. The silent treatment was getting old. He opened his messages and tapped Steve’s name. He scrolled up and there were hundreds of unanswered messages. The conversation one sided. He flicked back and then clicked on Natasha's name and scrolled up. The conversation one sided again. He set the phone back down and aimlessly wandered in to the kitchen. A cup of coffee would help lift him out of the funk he was feeling. He knew he should have opened the messages from Lucy. She’s going to be so pissed with him for not answering but he just needed some peace and quiet away from her. He couldn’t take another message from her asking when he was taking her out, or taking her away or just how much it was going to cost him for telling her she needed to work.

He opened the coffee can and saw it was empty. That’s right. He was meant to go shopping. Lucy didn’t like shopping and as Bucky was paying it was his responsibility, or so she told him every time. How did his life end up like this? How had he found himself in a relationship with a woman who just shouted at him for not being Tony Stark. That was the problem. Bucky didn’t like going out to the club, he didn’t like being photographed in the street and he wanted nothing to do with the celebrity that came attached to the title Avenger. He walked over to his phone, and saw another message from Lucy. Sliding the phone in his pocket he grabbed his jacket and keys and decided that enough was enough. He was going to the Tower, and he was going to talk to Steve. Three months had been long enough to freeze him out. He couldn’t take much more.

His feet pounded the pavement. The frustration he felt about Lucy, and the way in which his family had treated him fueled him. He could see the Tower on his approach and he psyched himself up. Now that he was almost there the wind had been knocked out of him. What was he going to do really? Beg Steve for forgiveness? He didn’t owe Steve anything. He did however owe you an apology. He had treated you so poorly. He needed to beg you for forgiveness. He looked at his surroundings and saw a coffee shop. He needed that coffee, and he needed to think about how he could apologise to you. He walked in and noticed the woman standing in front of him. He knew that stance anywhere. He coughed and he could sense her eye roll without needing to see it.

“Hi,” he stated and she turned around. Natasha looked ready to fight the man interrupting her as she was waiting to order a coffee. Her eyes clocked him, and she huffed. She walked past him, pushing into him on purpose as she walked out of the shop. He followed her.

“Natasha! Wait!” he called after her and she sped up.

“Please Nat. Please! I can’t take much more of this!” he called out and passerbys began to stop and watch the scene unfold. “Nat. I AM SORRY!” he shouted and she stopped. She was metres ahead of him. He stopped. He watched as she spun around and walked towards him. He was suddenly faced with fear. The way the spy walked towards him he was sure she was going to fight him on the street. She didn’t slow down as she approached him and in one fluid movement without stopping she linked her arm through his and dragged him along with her towards the Tower.

They entered the Tower and he was speechless. She dragged in along the familiar corridors and hadn’t said a word. She opened the door to her bedroom and pushed him in. He tripped on his feet and stumbled. He set his hand on the floor to stop him from falling over and he stood up. He turned round to face her. She was standing there staring him down. Her arms folded. Her breathing was heavy and he watched as her shoulders rose and fell. His eyes fell to his feet.

“Talk. You wanted to talk so TALK” she shouted at him and he shook as the words registered with him. Now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. It felt as if she had kicked him in the gut. The way she watched him. Her eyes wide and staring. He began to chew his lip. He didn’t know where to begin.

“I know I made a mistake” he stuttered out and she scoffed loudly. “Obviously” she stated and he tried again. “I miss you”

“No. try again” she said

“I don’t know where to begin Nat.” he said as he started to pace the room. The fact that Natasha hadn’t moved unnerved him. “How about the beginning. How about Lucy. How about the goddamn truth Buck” she spat back at him. He took a deep breath.

“I used to hang out at Greens with Y/N. We’d go and share a slice of cake over our lunch breaks. Then, when Y/N started working from home I would go to Greens by myself. She was always telling me to talk to more people, and be open to people not always seeing me as the monster.” he went to sit down on her bed and Natasha shook her head. So he stayed standing.

“Lucy worked there, and was always so friendly. She was sweet. She’d bring me a slice of cake and one day she asked if she could join me, she was on a break. I said sure. She didn’t treat me like I was someone to be scared of. She wanted to get to know me. So we started hanging out. I would go to her’s and we would lie on her bed and watch movies. She even took me dancing a few times. She was fun. Y/N was so serious. She just wanted to talk about the future, and commitment. Lucy just wanted to spend time with me. Lucy told me I was sexy. She was so intoxicating. Y/N wanted marriage. A future. I can’t give her that. I couldn’t give her that.”

Natasha scoffed. He continued.

“So, I found more excuses to spend time with Lucy and not with Y/N. I realised at the gala that maybe we weren’t meant to have the future together. But truth be told. I just, I just..” he stuttered.

“You just what Bucky. Cause right now, i am hearing a lot of blame on Y/N which is bullshit” she spat back at him and he shook his head.

“I just wanted to kiss Lucy. I think I threw away love because it got boring and Lucy is sexy, and young, and she laughed at every joke I made. She made me feel young, she made me feel as if my former self rather than some victim”

“You wanted to fuck the young pretty thing” she spat back at him.

“It’s not like that. I made a mistake” he stuttered. She walked up to him and pushed him before stating

“No. You made a choice”

He sat down on her bed and began to cry. She scoffed again “oh here we go. You don’t want to be seen as the victim but now you play the victim” she told him as she controlled her anger. “I need help”

She stopped. She looked at her friend, and as he held his head in his hands and she felt pity for him.

“What help could you possibly need? You made a choice Bucky. You need to live with that”

“Lucy isn’t what she seems” he whispered and she watched him. His eyes looked away from her. He wiped his eyes and stood up. He had said too much. He got up to leave, and walked towards her bedroom door. She blocked his exit.

“What does that mean?” she asked, softer. Her arms no longer crossed against her body.

“Nothing. It means nothing” he said as he reached for the door handle and she blocked it further.

“Bucky. You meant something by it” she said, her hand reaching up to his shoulder and he flinched.

“Nat. just forget it” he said but she looked in to his eyes and could see the sadness. She didn’t need him to say anymore.

“I need you to stay here. Bucky. Stay here” she instructed him and he nodded. She pulled her phone out and called Steve. She needed him here for this conversation. Bucky knew he had said too much but the truth was Lucy’s anger scared him. He hadn’t realised how much until he was finally face to face with Natasha. He stood there with his heart beating so loudly in his chest he was sure Natasha could hear it. There was a knock at the door and Steve walked in. Bucky looked up at him and burst in to tears. Natasha looked at Steve and he was confused.

“What’s going on?” he asked, looking between Natasha and Bucky. Bucky’s whole body shook as he cried. His hands covering his face. He tried to control his breathing as Steve and Natasha watched. He mouthed “what’s going on?” and she said “Bucky. What did you mean Lucy isn’t what she seems”. Steve looked at Natasha, his face crumpled as he watched Bucky shaking his head from side to side.

“Bucky” Steve started, his name sounded strange coming out of his mouth. It had been months since he had spoken Bucky’s name.

“She’s really angry” he stuttered. Natasha’s head almost spun.

“Fuck this” she shouted and moved towards the door. Steve’s arms wrapped around her waist and lifted her as she fought against his hold. He held Natasha in place as he stepped forward to Bucky.

“What do you mean Buck?” Steve asked and Natasha grunted “get off me Steve. I have wanted an excuse to kick that bitch’s ass. Now I have it”. Steve held on to Natasha and shot her a disapproving look.

“I just can’t make her happy. Everything is my fault. She likes to smash things” he stuttered out.

“Bucky. Are you happy with Lucy?” Steve asked him and Natasha managed to wriggle free.

“I want to be. I just need to be better, she’s right. I need to treat her like a princess”

“Fuck this” Natasha called out again and Steve tried to grabbed her again. This time she was too fast for him.

“NAT!” Steve called out. She stopped at the door and looked at the two men.

“Bucky, do you think some time apart from Lucy would help?” Steve said softly. Steve showing him any kind of care was too much and he began to sob louder. Steve looked at Nat and without saying a word he knew what was about to happen.

“Wait in here.” Steve instructed and he nodded at Natasha. The two of them left Bucky alone in her room.

“Are we really going to do this?” Natasha asked Steve as they walked with purpose down the corridor. He nodded. He pulled out his phone and dialled your number. You picked up instantly.

“Sweetheart. I am sorry to do this to you.” he said and your heart dropped. He was going to tell you about another long mission. You understood his job, so you knew it would be fine. He would always be fine.

“Steve. It’s fine”

“No, Y/N. I have just seen Bucky and he’s not in a good way” he stated. They had made it to the entrance of the Tower. You could hear the noise from the street. You couldn’t remember the last time you had heard Steve say Bucky’s name and you were flooded with concern, You could sense the concern in Steve’s voice.

“I am going with Nat to pick up some of his things. He’s going to stay in the tower for a few days. I just needed you to know”

You nodded. It was fine. You knew it would be. You had never felt so secure in your life. It didn’t matter that Bucky would be here, you didn’t care as long as Steve was by your side you were unstoppable.

“Sweetheart?” he said and you replied “i am nodding, sorry. Steve, it’s absolutely ok. He’s family.”

“Thank you Sweetheart. What ever did I do to deserve such an amazing woman”

“You can make it up to me later.” you smiled and hung up.

“She ok?” Natasha asked as they both got in to the taxi. Steve nodded and smiled. He really didn’t know how you were so strong, and caring. He really was the luckiest man alive. They gave Bucky’s address and sat in silence while the cab travelled.

“I have wanted to kick her ass for months” Natasha said as they arrived outside his apartment. “Nat. you can’t hurt a civilian. I know you want to but you can’t” Steve told her and she rolled her eyes. He wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t.

They walked up to the front door and Steve used his key. They were met by the sound of moaning. Natasha and Steve looked at each other.

“You have got to be kidding” Natasha said and she launched forward in to the apartment straight to the bedroom. Before Steve could react he heard a woman scream and saw Lucy being dragged out of the bedroom by her hair. She stood there screaming only in her underwear.

“Lucy. get the fuck out” Natasha screamed. Steve walked forward and looked in to the bedroom and saw a startled man quickly getting dressed. There was nothing more terrifying than whilst in bed with a beautiful woman, Black Widow coming in and dragging the woman off of him by her hair. Lucy screamed and tried to swipe at Natasha. She held her back one hand on her hair, and the other holding her arms behind her back.

“You need to leave” Steve stated at the man, who in a blur ran out.

Natasha dragged Lucy back in to the bedroom and threw her on the bed.

“Pack up your shit” Natasha ordered her and Lucy stood up. She threw her shoulders back and began to throw her belongings in to a bags. Steve walked out of the room and called to have the locks changed. Natasha watched as Lucy got dressed and continued to throw more in to suitcases.

“We’ll send on the rest” Natasha picked up two suitcases and opened the front door before throwing them out in the corridor. As Lucy walked past Steve she looked up at him and stated “it’d be great to have the set. Call me when you get bored, just like he did”

Natasha looked at Steve, he nodded and stepped back. Natasha walked up to Lucy and slapped her across the face.

“Get. Out”

She walked out the front door and Steve slammed it behind her. He looked at Natasha and exhaled.

“I am proud of your restraint” Steve told Natasha and she smiled. “Who knew I could have such restraint” she said as she found bin bags and began to fill them with Lucy’s belongings.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have frozen him out” Steve said as he helped her. She shook her head. “Bucky is an adult. He is going to make mistakes. But we’re always here to help take out the trash” she told him and he laughed.

“You definitely took out the trash” and Natasha laughed. “I have wanted to do that for so long. It felt good”

Steve knew Bucky living in the tower was going to be messy, but he knew that you would both get through it together. Because the two of you were unbreakable, right?


	15. Jealousy

The warm water lapped around you as you ran your hand over your bump. The warm water easing your aching muscles. The scent of the lavender washed over you and you allowed your eyes to close. The warmth of the water helping your mind rest. You knew Bucky was in the building and you had been trying hard not to listen to the small panicking voice whispering in your mind. The fact that Steve and Bucky were not on speaking terms for the last three months had worked in your favour because you had been able to ignore the voice telling you that you and Steve were living a lie. Every doctors appointment, every reminder of how many weeks pregnant you were provided you with a constant jolt of guilt. You had both ignored the guilt. Never saying a word to each other about it but you knew he felt it. You could see the conflict on his face with every doctor’s appointment. But when the two of you were together, and alone there was no guilt, no voice, just the two of you and it was as if there was no lie, no deception. He was often on missions, early morning briefings and calls in the night from Fury, but he never missed an appointment, even if he was only there via satellite video hook up. You knew the two of you were going to have to talk about the practicality of what this baby actually meant, and you had been putting off. That conversation in London seemed a lifetime ago, and now that your due date was getting closer and closer the reality of what you had both agreed to was weighing on your conscience. You had spent the day working, with the promise of a pizza and movie night with the team. Steve had received a call from Natasha and run out the door, not before kissing you. He never left without leaving a kiss on your lips. When he had called, you had expected him to tell you there was another mission, not that there was a Bucky situation and now he would be staying in the tower for a few days. You had agreed, because what else could you do? He had hung up the phone and you had paced across the floor of your shared room trying to keep yourself from panicking. You hadn’t seen Bucky since you had pushed past him at your party, and the idea of him being in your safe space rattled you. His name had barely been mentioned in front of you. Steve had called on his way to Bucky’s which had meant that it was likely Bucky was in the building already. You knew the only thing you could do. The one thing your body craved most of the time. Sleep. You were constantly exhausted. You climbed in to your bed, and wrapped yourself in the duvet and allowed Steve’s scent to comfort you. Being 7 months pregnant meant that your body craved sleep. That’s where Steve had found you, wrapped up and dozing. He has woken you gently and informed you he had run a bath for you. He had walked you in and helped you in to the warm and comforting bath. Your face dropped when he turned down your invitation to join you, citing that he had to go and check on Bucky. So, you lay there alone, the warm water lapping around you as you occasionally as you wiggled your toes. Steve had even set up music and candles to try to help you relax but the unknown Bucky situation had you on edge. You heard your bedroom door open and close and the padding of his feet as he crossed the bedroom. He knocked on the bathroom door and you looked to see Steve smiling at you. 

“How’s my girl getting on?” he asked as he kneeled at the side of the bath. You allowed your head to rest against the bath and you wanted to interrogate him. You wanted to know what was happening, but looking at his smile instantly calmed your mind. You were sure there was something magical about his eyes. The way you could still get lost in them, the same way you had all those months ago. The calming effect of his smile on you. He leaned forward and rested his hand on your bump and the baby kicked. You giggled and he laughed.

“That good” he smirked at you. He stroked your bump and you placed your hand on his, and the baby kicked again. He smiled at you and you returned his smile. The flutter in your stomach. He chuckled softly and the two of you paused for a moment enjoying each other. You knew this was going to risk messing with this beautiful moment but you needed to ask. 

“So, how’s Bucky?” you asked and Steve’s frame tensed. You suddenly became aware that you were lying in a bath naked, and Steve was fully dressed kneeling beside you. You didn’t like to ever use his name, and Steve knew this. Watching him tense his body you felt exposed. You were worried that the conversation the two of you had been avoiding was about to start. You didn’t know what the Bucky situation was, but Steve was worried. He stood up and turned around from you. You knew you should have picked a better moment. He gripped the edge of the sink and looked in the mirror. You could see his face constricting in the mirror, the concern written all over it. 

“He’s not good” he muttered and you watched the way he held his tension in his shoulders. You moved to get out of the bath and grabbed the towel that Steve had left out for you. You wrapped it round your body and stepped behind him. You reached up and placed your hands on his shoulders and pressed your body against his. “Winter soldier?” you asked, scared. His shoulders relaxed and he turned around. He wrapped his arms around your back and kissed your forehead. You needed him to know that you weren’t going to press him, and that you were going to support him. 

“No. Nothing like that. Sweetheart, we don’t have to talk about him” Steve said and you smiled at him. You could see the concern written all over his face, he needed someone to talk to, and you desperately wanted that to be you. Even with the possibility of the pain it could cause you, Steve was your partner. You reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck, and you had to lift up on your toes to comfortably reach. 

“Steve.” you wanted to tell him that you were here for him, that you wanted to be his support, just as much as he had supported you in the last 6 months, but how could you really listen to his concerns about Bucky. The difficulty was, that you wanted to know what was wrong with Bucky, you wanted to know what had happened. Steve reached up and removed your hands from his neck and looked at you before he asked if you wanted dinner. You nodded and he walked out of the bathroom. You followed and began to grab clothes from the dresser. Steve was sitting on the bed on his phone. You watched the way his eyebrow furrowed as he furiously typed on his phone. You assumed it was Natasha, or even Bucky. You dug out the very unsexy maternity pants and pulled them up over your bump before pulling on even sexier maternity jeans. You managed to get fully dressed without Steve even looking up, something that was out of the normal. Normally when Steve was in front of you, and you had no clothes on, the task of getting dressed took twice as long, as Steve would remove any item you put on. You were feeling dejected, and you knew that you were going to have to confront the elephant in the room. 

“Steve…” you started and he looked up, and then back down to his phone. You walked over and kneeled in front of him, and took his phone from his hands and put it to the side. He tried to fight it but you put your hands on his knees. You took a deep breath and told him “I can see the concern, it’s written all over your face. Steve, talk to me”. He shook his head. He wasn’t going to bother you with this. How could he. How could he tell you the overwhelming guilt he felt looking at Bucky cry, how he had just cut him out. 

“Y/N, I can’t, it’s not fair on you” he told you and he looked away from you. You reached a hand up and pulled his face back to yours. “Steve. He’s your best friend. You’re allowed to be concerned about him. I am your girlfriend, I love you and I want to help. I am not delicate, let me help you, as you have helped me”. He took a moment to listen to your words, your eyes willing him to believe you. You hated to see the pain on his face, you could almost feel the pain in his heart. 

“Bucky and Lucy were toxic for each other. He came to see Nat and he just broke down. He won’t say a word other than that she's not what she seems. He just sits and stares at the wall. Nat and I went round to his apartment” he paused and you nodded to continue, it had been your apartment not that long ago. You pushed that thought from your mind and concentrated on him. “And Lucy was in bed with another man. Bold as brass. Didn’t even flinch, she must have heard the front door and she didn’t care. She wanted Bucky to see.”

Your mind reeled. You buried the urge to laugh, darkly. Karma really is a bitch you thought, but this was not the time. 

“What happened?” you asked

“Nat dragged her out by her hair, and then threw her out. We packed up her stuff, and packed Bucky’s stuff too. It’s on it’s way here. Y/N… I shouldn’t have cut him out” 

He looked so guilty, his head hanging in your hand. You wanted to take his pain away from him, the guilt he felt. Whatever the relationship Lucy and Bucky had had, it clearly had caused Bucky pain. Steve not being there for Bucky may have caused the relationship to continue longer than it should. Steve wasn’t to know that. 

“Steve. You weren’t to know. He’s lucky to have you and Nat as his family. He’s here now, and you can look after him. I know the two of you are used to it, saving each other is what you do” you told him. His eyes bore in to yours. Your face held such kindness, and lifted his hands and gripped your face. “What ever did I do to deserve you?” before leaning forward and kissing you, passionately. His hands dropped from your face and reaching your waist he lifted you in to his lap. The kiss deepened and he pulled back from you “wait. When did you get dressed?” he asked with a chuckle and you laughed. “Steve. Don’t worry about me, you can go and look after Bucky. He needs you now.”

“Nat’s with him for now.” he said as he gently stroked your face. Your hand moved with his fingertips and he rested his forehead against yours.

“I love you Y/N” he whispered to you, and you knew that he did. “I love you Steve Rogers. We both do” you said taking his hand and placing it on you bump. “You mentioned dinner?” you asked softly and he chuckled, and nodded. “Yes I did” 

\------------

Natasha had persuaded him to join movie night. He had watched as Natasha had unpacked his belongings back in his old room. It seemed smaller than he had remembered. Standing in his old room made him feel like a failure. How was he back here? How had he got it all so wrong? When Natasha and Steve had returned with his belongings, they also returned with the news that Lucy had had a visitor. He had accepted it. He had suspected it. He had stared at the wall when Steve had told him. All of the late nights, all of the arguments and the excuses she had come up with; he thought of them all. He had registered Steve telling Natasha he was going to check up on you, and she had begun to unpack for him. She had been talking to him while she did it but he wasn’t listening. All he could think about was the mess he had made. He had been given a second chance at a life, and he had been distracted by a young woman who thought he was exciting. She in turn had used him, for whatever gains she could. The money, and the status that he brought her. He was embarrassed, and yet, if she called he couldn’t say with certainty that he wouldn’t answer. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen her for who she was. Natasha had ended up waving in his face and she had bribed him with pizza, and the possibility of spending time with his family, that he had barely seen for months, so here he was waiting for everyone else to arrive. 

He cautiously took a seat next to Natasha on the couch. Sam nodded at him as he walked in. It was clear that a message had gone round. The blush crept across his face. He was grateful that Sam hadn’t said anything. He wasn’t ready to answer their questions or admit that he had made a mistake. Sam turned to Natasha and asked “who else we waiting for?” Natasha answered without thinking “just the lovebirds. They’re bringing the pizza up now”. She realised what she had said and she turned to Bucky, who suddenly had become very interested in his feet. Sam and Natasha exchanged looks just as Steve and you walked in to the living room. 

“Pizzas here!” You called out and you looked around the room. You felt as if a wave of cold water had washed over you as you noticed him sitting there next to Natasha. He was staring down at his feet. You looked at Steve and he winked at you. You could do this. You could do this with him by your side. Bucky was in your past, and Steve was your present and future. 

“I am starving!” Sam called out as you passed him a box, and then one to Natasha. She opened it and passed it to Bucky and he took a slice without looking up. Steve settled in to your favourite oversized chair. The two of you could be found their most evenings cuddled up watching films. Steve had 70 years worth of pop culture to catch up on, or so you frequently told him. It calmed the two of you to spend your evenings curled up together. You settled in next to him. His arm naturally falling behind you and wrapping around your waist. Pulling you in against his body. The warmth comforting you. It was as if that was where you belonged. He opened the box and you grabbed a slice which you began to devour. You were always so hungry, blame the super soldier baby growing inside you. 

“What we watching?” Sam asked and Natasha answered “Y/N’s choice tonight” and you grinned. You set up the film and pressed play. The lights in the room dimmed automatically as the film started and you kicked off your shoes. You relaxed. Steve holding you close. You ignored that Bucky was in the room. You knew you couldn’t look over, you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of you looking over at him. What you didn’t know is that Bucky was watching you. 

He watched as Steve’s hand gently stroked your side. He watched as your head rested on his chest. How your breathing was in time with Steve’s. He watched as Steve placed the pizza box on the floor and his hand returned to rest on your now visible bump. He drew circles with his fingertips over your bump, and smiled as he watched the film. He watched as you laughed along with the film, and looked up at Steve to see if he was laughing at the right bits. He watched as your hands rested on his chest. He watched as your eyelids began to flicker as you fell asleep in Steve’s arms. It was clear that this was a normal routine for the two of you. 

With every movement, every interaction he watched it was as if a knife was being plunged in to his heart. He was overcome with jealousy. The way you looked at Steve, and the way he looked at you. He knew that no one had looked at him that way. Not Lucy, and possibly not even you. His entire relationship with Lucy had been a lie. He had thrown away the chance of you looking at him like that for what? You wouldn’t even look at him. Had Steve told you about the friendship with Lucy prior to the relationship? Bucky had accepted after Steve’s visit that he had behaved badly, and although he had not embarked on a physical affair, he had started an emotional affair. He had broken your heart and for what? He wanted you to look over at him, he willed it but you didn’t even register his existence. He wanted to be angry that you had moved on so quickly, and with Steve but the truth was he had checked out of the relationship. The more Lucy flirted, and teased him without action the more he had been consumed with wanting to know how her lips felt against his, the sounds she would make with his touch. But now he wondered how Steve made you feel, did you make the same sounds with Steve as you had with him? Steve got to hear the soft and gentle moans that you made, that for such a while had driven Bucky wild. Bucky didn’t watch any of the film. He was consumed with pain in his chest and the jealousy that was consuming him. 

“I’m gonna take Y/N to bed” Steve announced, and Sam and Natasha nodded. Bucky watched as Steve delicately picked your sleeping body up and held you close against his chest. 

“Buck, it’s good to have you back” Steve said as you stirred slightly and burrowed in to his chest. Bucky gave Steve a small smile, he wanted to be happy for you and Steve but it hurt. His mind in overdrive as the regret washed over him, wave after wave. Steve carried you out of the room and Natasha turned off the film. Sam sat forward and watched as Bucky was lost in his thoughts. 

“You ok Barnes?” he asked and Bucky nodded. Natasha reached up and placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked at her and opened his mouth to say something, but Sam interrupted him. 

“They are happy Barnes. Don’t even try and ruin it” 

Bucky sat there open mouthed. The thought that he would do that to Steve hurt. He shook his head and Natasha shot Sam a death stare. 

“Sam….really?” she asked and he looked at Bucky. “It had to be said,” he replied. 

“I am not here to cause trouble,” Bucky said quietly. 

“Good. because they are happy. Just because your relationship failed with that tramp, doesn’t mean you can come here and ruin Y/N’s happiness.” Sam told him and Natasha sat back and allowed it. She didn’t necessarily agree with Sam’s timing but it needed to be said. “Whatever regrets you have. Keep them to yourself. Let her have the happiness you never gave her” he finished and Bucky stood up. He didn’t need to take this from Sam. He wasn’t going to do anything to hurt Y/N or Steve. 

“Sam’s right Buck, I know your head is all over the place but maybe, keep your space from her.” 

Bucky went to exit the room and turned around to them both and told them “only if she keeps away from me.” 

  
  



	16. the argument

He watched as you turned the page of your book and sighed loudly. You folded the corner of the page and closed the book. Turning to him you lip curled as he quickly looked away from you, caught in the act of watching you. His cheeks now flushed a little pink. You set the book down on the bedside. He was pretending to be reading, although his eyes flicked towards you and then back again at the book he clearly wasn’t reading. 

“I didn’t realise I had an audience” you smirked at him. He turned to you and coyly replied “I don’t know what you mean”. You tried to roll on to your side, but it wasn’t a smooth movement being 8 months pregnant. 

“Captain Rogers, you are fooling no one”

A light chuckle left his lips and he closed his book, not even bothering to use his bookmark. He set the book down on his side and lifted his arm up in the air and you slid in to rest your head on his bare chest. His arm scooped around you and held you close against his body. He picked the book back up and began to read. You lay there allowing the rhythmic beat of his chest to soothe you. There was something so comforting about hearing his heartbeat, and feeling the warmth of his skin on your body. The silence was comforting. There was no need for words. Steve’s hand slid gently up and down your arm. The only sound in the room came from the two of you drawing breath and the constant tick from his alarm clock. He closed the book and placed it in his lap. His head cocked to the side and rested on top of yours. You looked up at him. He bit his lip and then exhaled. You could see that he was mulling over his thoughts. You lifted your head off his chest and his head lifted off of yours. 

“Babe?” you muttered and he looked down at you, and then looked away again. He was looking at you in a way he had never before, usually you were able to read Steve. Steve was so open, so honest and his face usually displayed how he was feeling. You knew the slight twitch his mouth would do when he was thinking about what to make for dinner, you knew the way his face would look when he was thinking of work. You especially enjoyed the way his eyes would light up when you walked in the room, and the way he would smirk at you, telling you all you needed to know about the activity you were about to get up to. You loved the way his eyes would flutter when you called him “babe”, or the beam of his smile when the baby kicked. This face was new. It looked pained. It reminded you of Bucky. Steve was hiding something. You lifted up further and sat apart from him. Steve didn’t look at you. 

“Steve?” you asked, this time your words dripping in concern. Your mind raced. Every second of silence you could feel your heart racing quicker and quicker. He finally looked at you and you could see tears forming in his eyes. The moment those blue eyes connected with yours, he looked down again. He couldn’t hold your eye contact. You fully sat up and asked again. 

“Steve” this time, your voice cracked with emotion and you felt as if you were back in your old apartment looking at the man you loved tell you he didn’t love you. 

“I don’t know if I can do this to him” he said, trying to hold back the emotion in his voice. He looked straight ahead. “We need to tell him” he said gently and avoided looking at you. You had no words. Your mind was blank. You absentmindedly placed your hands on your bump protectively and your head dropped. You took a calming breath before looking at Steve. On some level he was right. You knew that no matter Bucky’s behaviour and actions towards you, he had a right to know about the baby. The question you had asked him all those months ago now weighed on your mind. You had asked Steve to lie to every single one of his family members, his team. You had asked him to go against every fibre of his being and he had taken a hold of your hand and agreed to the deceit. You lay awake at night unable to sleep and you couldn’t help but think about him. What if the baby looked like him? How would everyone react to finding out that you and Steve had deceived them all. The whole team was excited for you and Steve. All of the questions, all of their excitement gone in the moment they know what you did. Did all of Bucky’s actions cancel out yours? No, they didn't. You were sure of that. It hurt to even imagine having this link with him, but Steve was right. However, every moment you tried to imagine Bucky being in the doctors appointments with you, holding your hand, and being excited you felt sick. The only smile you wanted to see was Steve’s. Bucky didn’t have a right to share a life with you. But he did have a right to share the baby’s life. You both knew this and you had both avoided this conversation. You watched the way his eyes avoided yours. 

  
  


“He keeps asking about you and the baby, and it is killing me. How are we going to explain you going in to labour 2 months early, what if it looks like him! Y/N I can’t. I know I promised you I would do this, but I just can’t. I just keep thinking, what if this was the other way round. How could I do this to him? I’m sorry” 

His words cut like a knife. He is right. How would you react if you had watched this happen? His head is in his hands. You move slowly and carefully to your knees and placed your hands on his thighs. He shook his head at your contact and you knew he was right. Bucky needed to know. But right now, you needed to know what this meant for the two of you. Bucky could wait. You squeezed his thighs and he removed his hands from his face to look at you. A single tear rolled down his cheek. You reached up and took his hands which had laid limp next to his body. 

“You and I are having a baby Steve. I want to make this clear” you started and Steve tried to interrupt but you put your hand up to his face and he stopped. He watched as you took a deep breath. “As far as I am concerned, I will be Mum, and you will be Dad. You and I are in this together. But. I do think Bucky should know that he is the father. That, in no way will take away from you Steve. You are the one I want, by my side and raising this baby. You will be Dad, Dadda, Daddy, whatever variation you want them to call you, but for me to ask you to keep this from him, to lie to him and everyone around you it isn’t fair. It’s not you” you finished. He pulled his hands back from yours. The words had tumbled out of your mouth quickly and Steve sat there looking at his hands, trying to take in your words. You sat there still on your knees, sitting on your heels. You couldn’t help but play with your hands. You had practically word vomited all over him, and committed him to raising another man’s baby, with the other man knowing. Fear gripped your mind. What if he meant he couldn’t do any of this. What if he didn’t want to be with you, that this was all too much. This wasn’t just about telling Bucky and everyone the truth? You cautiously muttered “That is...if you want to Steve” 

  
  


You felt the bed move as Steve stood up. He walked to your closet. He was going to pack a bag. You knew it. You couldn’t bear to look up. When he had said he couldn’t do it, he meant all of it. Your head fell into your hands and you felt yourself gently rock on your heels. Your world was crashing around you. Steve was leaving you, just as Bucky had. You didn’t dare look up. You couldn’t watch him leave. You took a deep breath and turned round, your back to him now. Your feet hit the floor. You were going to wait till you had heard the bedroom door close before you ran to the bathroom. You had to hold the tears back. You had to. You started to think. You still had your apartment. Tony was paying for that. You could move back. You could move back home to your parents, they would help. You heard his footsteps walk around the bed. You knew he was standing in front of you but still you couldn’t look up. Your vision now blurred by the tears you refused to let fall from your eyes. 

You felt his hands on your face and he cupped your cheeks. He lifted your head up and you heard the soft “Sweetheart” he said and you looked up to his blue eyes, those perfect eyes that were always of such comfort to you. Were you going to think of those blue eyes as another source of pain. “I was going to do this properly, but” he spoke softly. You looked at him, and he looked down as he let go of your hands. His hand reached in to his pocket, and he dropped to his knee. He produced a small velvet box. Your mind reeled. 

“I am not doing this for the baby. I am doing this because I love you. I never thought I would get a second chance at love, and yet, here I am, here with you. I want us to be a family. I want to stand in front of everyone and make those vows to you, because you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up. You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I know it seems fast but, these last months, you have made me the happiest man. I want to spend the rest of our lives making you the happiest woman. Will you marry me?”

You looked at the ring, and you looked at his face. He held the box there. His hand shook with nerves. You were unable to comprehend what was happening. 

“So you don’t want to leave me?” you whimpered. The tears silently rolled down your face. “Sweetheart, I want you to listen to me, really carefully. I love you. I want you to be my wife. I want to make that commitment to you. I want everyone to know. I want you to feel secure. I promise you, I am not going anywhere” 

You shook your head, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. You looked up at him and he smiled. A smile that broke out across his face. His hand still held out, shaking. “Steve. This is just such a mess. Why would you want to marry me. We just agreed that I have to tell another man I am carrying his baby.” 

He placed the ring box beside you and sat the other side of you. He wrapped his arm around your waist, and placed his other hand on your bump. He kissed your forehead. 

“Because, you are right. We are having a baby together, we are a family. This isn’t how I had planned to ask you, but I have had the ring for weeks. We will deal with Bucky together, but forget about him. Forget about it all. Look at me” he said, and your eyes connected with his. “Will you marry me?” 

Your eyes bore in to his. The overwhelming love you felt for him in that moment felt as if it was going to burst from you. You did. You loved him with all of your heart and soul. This wasn’t about Bucky, it was about Steve. Steve wanted you to be his wife. To have and to hold. 

“The problem is..” you started and you watched as his chest tightened and you smiled at him. He looked at you, confused 

“You can’t spend the rest of our lives trying to make me the happiest woman, because, you already do” you told him and before he could recover, you nodded. “Steve, of course I will marry you” 

He jumped up from his seat on the bed and shouted “YOU WILL!??” and you laughed loudly. He was so excitable. He reached out and grabbed the ring and he held his hand out, waiting for you to give him yours. You obliged and he delicately placed the ring on your finger. It was perfect. You couldn’t stop staring at it. He leaned in and kissed you softly, and you felt the kiss deepen. He moved you backwards across the bed as he continued to kiss you. 

You knew that you were going to have to decide how to tell Bucky, and everyone but for right now there was only one way to celebrate. 

  
  
  


\-------

You had been successfully avoiding Bucky since he moved in. it wasn’t that hard because now that he was back on the team fully and the entire team had been away on mission after mission. You had asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to alert you when Bucky was in the common areas so that if you didn’t have Steve by your side you didn’t have to see him. You didn’t see Steve as much as you had hoped but the free time to have the Tower to yourself was nice. You had spent a lot of time working with a contractor who was remodelling your old room, and your current to make it in to a self contained flat, with a purpose built nursery. Tony had told you to do whatever you’d like and he would pay. The fact that this baby was going to have the most supportive family around you filled you with comfort. You and Steve were going to be supported, which helped because you had no idea how to look after a baby and you were pretty sure Steve didn’t have a clue either. Steve had woken you up early that morning to tell you there was an emergency mission and that he would be gone for the day. He had apologised over and over again for missing the meeting with the contractor but you had told him not to be silly, and to go and save the world again, and most importantly to stay safe. He had kissed you, and then as he went to leave said “I’ll be home tonight Mrs Rogers… or well that is if you want to take my name” you had laughed and shouted back to him “Mrs Rogers is perfect!” and he smiled before leaving you to go back to sleep. He had also promised to rub you back the moment he got back, and maybe even your feet. 

Sitting with a cup of tea you poured over the renovation plans. You knew you needed more storage as at some point you needed to pack up your apartment and move in fully. As you looked at the plans your eyes caught the ring in your eyeline. You smirked at the ring and thought back to the previous night. You cursed your mind for assuming that Steve was going to leave. You hated that your initial thought was that. It was Bucky’s fault. It was all his fault, he was the one that had made you doubt yourself. You had talked about marriage and kids with Bucky but his heart never seemed in it. He would never commit to an answer, even if you talked in hypotheticals. You had asked him once, if he had kids, how many would he want? Did he have any names that were special to him and he had shut down every question. It wasn’t that your entire relationship had been a lie, but you were fairly certain that the two of you had been swept away with it and somehow you ended up living in an apartment, barely speaking to each other. How had that happened so quickly? Sure, you could blame Lucy. You could lie and tell yourself that he was lured away by something in a short skirt who didn’t nag him but it was more than that. Bucky had made a conscious choice, time and time again to go back to her. You had stopped blaming yourself a long time ago, you weren’t responsible for his actions. Only yours. 

You didn’t want to talk to Bucky. You didn’t want to listen to how now he was upset because that tramp had shown her true colours. Even though you were happy with Steve, there was still a small pang of pain when you thought of him and Lucy. He had chosen her. Time and time again. While this was not your fault, and you would never want him back it still hurt that a man you thought loved you, had in fact been lying for months. So convincingly. Steve had told you what had happened when he had confronted him. How he had tried to explain that the affair had only been physical after you had left. It didn’t help much. Steve had held you and stroked your hair, and then made love to you, throughout the night. You were so intoxicated with Steve. You felt as if you were floating on air at the touch of his fingertips on your skin, the way his breath felt against your body and the way he made your whole body feel as if an electric current ran through it. It was more than sex. There was an emotional connection that you had with Steve, unlike any relationship you had been in before. You stared at the ring and you felt completely at peace. You had both agreed to tell everyone later that day, but Steve had been called away on a mission. It was easy to hide because everyone else was with him, and as long as he could control his beaming smile then the two of you could announce it to everyone together. There was a knock at the door and you shouted “come in!” expecting it to be the contractor. You picked up the plans and walked over to the desk, and laid them out. You turned to see the door open and it wasn’t the contractor it was Bucky. You dropped your cup of tea on the floor and he surged forward. 

“Sorry.” he said, picking up the cup as you were struggling to bend down being so pregnant. 

“What are you doing here?” you stuttered as you swiped the cup from his hands. He stood there, his hands in his pockets. 

“I thought we could talk” he replied, and you scoffed loudly. You walked away from him and to your bedroom door. You held it open and nodded your head towards it. He looked at you with shock. He had really hoped that he would be able to talk to you, and that perhaps you would want to talk. 

“I have nothing to say to you Bucky” you lied, it wasn’t strictly true but you and Steve needed to tell him together. You were not going to do anything without him by your side. You didn’t care what he had to say for himself. There was nothing that he could say to you that you would want to hear. 

“Y/N, please can we talk. I feel like you have been avoiding me” he said, standing still. You sighed and nodded your head to the door again. He still didn’t move. 

“Bucky. Please leave. Take the hint. I don’t want to talk to you” 

“Is this about Lucy?”

You couldn’t believe him. What else would it be about? Would it be about his choice of cologne? You couldn’t believe you were going to do this. 

“I thought we had agreed to leave this in the past” and you cut across him. “No Barnes. You don’t get to play that card. I told you that before I knew the whole story which you delightful whore told me about at my party, my party to celebrate my baby. So no. I take back all of those words I said in Central Park. there is nothing you can do to make it up to me. Leave.” you spat at him. He walked towards you and stood in front of you. 

“I just, I know how you feel now and I want someone to talk to,” he said seriously, and you laughed in his face. Was this some sort of sick joke. 

“You have absolutely no idea how I feel, or what I went through. HOW DARE YOU.” you shouted and you slammed the bedroom door. If he wanted to talk, then you were going to tell him off. You were going to tell him everything you had wanted to say. 

“You listen to me James Barnes. You broke my fucking heart.” you exclaimed and he smirked “you recovered quickly”. You saw red. You knew punching a super soldier would be a terrible idea but you wanted to physically hurt him. He knew from the moment he had said it that he had fucked up. 

“I didn’t mean that” he stuttered and you shook your head at him. Your lips pressed together in anger. He moved awkwardly on the spot. 

“Yea you fucking did. You did mean that.” you spat back at him. You knew you needed to keep your blood pressure down, the doctor had told you on your last visit but right now you didn’t care. You walked over to your phone and called Steve. He didn’t pick up but the voicemail did. 

“Hey Babe. Can you ring me asap. I love you” you said, looking directly at Bucky who flinched at hearing you say those three words. You set the phone down. He didn’t know what to say. 

“Bucky, what the fuck do you actually want from me? Are you really here to complain that your whore fucked someone else in your bed? Because you couldn’t really be that fucking stupid right?” 

He stood there silently, staring at his feet. You couldn’t help it. The rage was taking over your body and your mind. The longer he stood there, silent the more the rage began to take control of your body.

“FUCKING SILENCE. I should have known.” you shouted at him and his head shot up and he stared at you, opened his mouth. You laughed darkly. 

“That's all I got from you then, and it’s what i get now. Do you realise you never asked how I was. Every time we have seen each other since that night you LET ME WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. YOU NEVER ONCE ASKED ME HOW I WAS” you shouted and he tried to interrupt you and you walked towards him. You pushed him hard in the chest and informed him “no. you are going to listen to me now. You checked out on our relationship, and whether you claim you didn’t physically touch her but you cheated. When you fucked me all those months, did you think of her? Did you wish it was her moaning, not me? You have no idea how fucked up your behaviour was, or still is. You are not the victim here Bucko. You are someone who fucked up the best thing he ever could have had for what? Someone who makes you feel dangerous?! Someone who was so unattainable you couldn’t see what was in front of you. Don’t be pissed at me for finding a man who LOVES me, adores me, and fuck, wants me to be his wife” you blurted out and Bucky looked at you. He walked forward and grabbed your left wrist and looked at the ring on your finger. He stared at you. His mind reeling. You were going to marry Steve. 

“You’re marrying him?” he spat back at you and you pulled at your wrist. He didn’t let go. You pulled harder and he gripped tighter. 

“Bucky, let go!” you called out. He opened his hand and your wrist dropped to your side. Fear crept over you. Who else was in the Tower? Where was Steve? You needed him to call you back and get Bucky the hell out of your apartment. 

“Sorry” he muttered and walked away from you. 

“You know, you have never really said you are sorry” you told him as you rubbed your wrist. You could feel your heart beating in your chest. He stopped and turned around. 

“Don’t marry him” 

“Fuck you James” you started and then laughed again. This was not happening. 

“Why. are you about to tell me you made a mistake, and you love me and you want me to give you a second chance” you laughed and he turned around. He had a dark look in his eyes, and you looked at the door. He was between you and the door. It had been a mistake to laugh at him. 

“No… maybe.. I don’t know. I made a mistake and I let you go” he said. You tried to edge towards your phone. You needed to alert someone to come to your room. You looked down and saw a message from the contractor saying he was running late. 

“You didn’t let me go.” you said quietly. Your head was spinning, you felt lightheaded. You also could feel the baby kicking more. You put your hand on your bump. You needed to get him out of your room. But the opportunity to tell him everything you had wanted to for months took over. 

“What?” he asked. 

“You didn’t let me go. You threw me away Bucky. You threw me away like I meant nothing. Don’t be angry that the person who put me back together again is Steve, or that I love him more than I could have loved you” you spat out at him. Your head was spinning more than before and you felt a sharp pain in your side. You breathed through it and told him “bucky you need to think about the kind of man you want to be. Because right now you’re a fucking asshole.”

He walked towards you and you moved quickly out of his grip. You grabbed your phone and walked towards the door before he shouted “HOW IS ALL OF THIS MY FAULT?! I DIDN’T MEAN FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN” 

You winced as the pain stabbed again. You knew you needed to calm down. 

“WHO ELSE IS TO BLAME BUCKY?! I DIDN’T FORCE YOU TO FUCK LUCY. I DIDN’T CHEAT. I DIDN’T CHECK OUT. YOU DIDN’T WANT ME” you screamed at him. At this point, you felt the tears pour down your face. You let out a cathartic scream. You pressed your back against the wall, your back was now aching. He wasn’t moving. You looked at your phone and nothing from Steve. 

“Bucky, you need to leave. Please. I can’t do this. This is not something you can fix now. YOU LIED, YOU CHEATED AND THEN YOU PRETENDED I DIDN’T EXIST. DID YOU EVER LOVE ME? WAS I JUST AN EASY TARGET FOR SOMEONE TO CARE FOR YOU UNTIL YOU WERE BETTER?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I TO YOU?!” You screamed. You felt so light headed you slid down the wall. Your hand now on your bump, the other on your forehead. Your phone lay by the side. Your sobbing now, the only sound in the room. Bucky walked over to you and leaned over you. The door flew open and Steve stood there. He looked for you and when he saw you lying against the wall he charged at Bucky, knocking him to the floor. 

“Steve, baby” you said gently. But he didn’t hear. He was on top of Bucky. “What the fuck Buck” he called out and you tried again “Steve, baby”. He punched Bucky in the face. Sam came running in and pulled Steve off of him. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s broad chest and held him in place. Steve raised his arms. Bucky sat up, and wiped the blood from his mouth. You couldn’t keep your eyes open, they were so heavy. Your head lulled back and hit the wall. 

“We were just… I just wanted to talk to her” he said, and Sam shot him a look. “I told you Barnes to keep away from her. What the hell is wrong with you.” Sam told him as he released the hold on Steve and he walked forward. 

“Bucky, what is wrong with you?” he asked and Bucky shook his head. “I don’t know. I know that I behaved horribly and I just wanted Y/N to understand that I didn’t mean to” he said and Sam replied “look. Whether or not you meant to hurt her, you have to accept that you did, and she might not want you in her life. You don’t have an automatic right to be in her life because she lives her, or because you have a shared history. Walk. away Bucky” Sam told him and he looked over to you. Your eyes were rolling back in your head. You muttered again “Steve, baby.” Steve and Sam looked over and Steve moved in a flash to your side, “Sweetie” and you repeated for the final time “Steve, the baby”. 

His eyes flew wide. “I need Cho, NOW. I need a doctor NOW” and Sam moved without a word. Steve held your hand and tapped your face gently, trying to keep you conscious. 

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?” he asked and you slightly nodded your head. You could feel the wetness between your legs. You wanted to cry more. He held your hand and kissed your forehead. 

“I need you to listen to my voice Sweetheart. Sam has gone to get Dr Cho, you’re safe. I have got you” 

You nodded again. Bucky stood there watching the scene unfold around him. He stumbled backwards and felt the bed hit his legs. He sat down and he couldn’t help but watch the two of you. The smile on your face at hearing Steve’s voice. The way Steve squeezed your hand and moved the hair from your face. He was looking at two people in love. The wave of regret washed over him. Sam was right. You owed him nothing. He couldn’t make this better and he had no right to try and walk straight back in to your life. He hadn’t even checked up on you after you had walked out in the middle of the night. How could he have been so heartless? He had spent the last 30 minutes causing you unknowable stress, and now there was a problem. His heart ached hearing the concern in Steve’s voice. He was scared, Bucky could hear it. 

“Y/N I need you to stay with me, can you tell me what colour you wanted to paint the room” Steve asked and you shook your head slightly. “Try for me” he said again and you took a deeper breath “orange” you muttered and Steve laughed. “Absolutely not Y/N”. he kissed your forehead again. Sam came running in with Dr Cho and some high tech stretcher. 

“What’s happened?” Dr Cho asked and Steve without thinking answered “She’s just over 8 months pregnant, our doctor told us that she has high blood pressure and that excessive stress could cause something.. I can’t remember the name of. Oh Y/N knows the name of it” 

Bucky’s eyes shot up. He had been lost in his thoughts about his actions and how terrible he had been to you. He muttered “8 months” and Sam looked over to him. He walked over and grabbed him by his shirt and dragged him to the opposite corner of the room. 

“Don’t…. Not here” he growled at him and Bucky looked over at the two of you now with Dr Cho, you were being rushed out of the room with Steve behind you. 

“8 months?” he stared at Sam and Sam didn’t let go of Bucky’s shirt. He held him tightly. Bucky tried to shake Sam off, but he held him tight. 

“She lied” Bucky said and Sam held tighter. “I want you to think about this. If she lied. Think about why she lied, Buck. You put her through hell” 

“Let me go. I need to..” he tried again to get free. 

“You need to do nothing Bucky.” Sam ordered him. Bucky looked at him in shock. How could he say that. If she was 8 months pregnant, it meant she and Steve had been sleeping together long before he even kissed Lucy. 

“SHE CHEATED ON ME SAM!” he cried out and Sam shook his head. Bucky looked at him, and he stopped fighting him. His body felt limp in Sam’s arms. 

“She lied. The baby’s mine?” Bucky muttered. Sam nodded. Bucky took a deep breath and using all his strength he pushed Sam against the wall and ran out of the room. 

\---------

Your eyes flickered and you looked at the ceiling. You felt weak. You could hear the beeping of machines and you looked over to your right to see Steve sitting there, still in his tactical suit. Your eyes registered the bundle in his arms. He was looking down at the bundle and his eyes sparkled. You coughed and felt your whole body ache. Steve looked up and his eyes were filled with tears. 

“Hi” he muttered standing up and holding the bundle delicately he approached you. He sat on the edge of the bed and his body bent over you. You could see a little pink face looking back at you from the bundle of fabric. He looked down at the bundle, and then to you. 

“You gave us a bit of a scare there Y/N. she’s perfect. Like you” he spoke softly, and bent over to kiss your forehead. You tried to prop yourself up and you put your arms out and he gently placed your daughter in your arms. 

You were in love. 

You looked up at Steve. “I think we should call her Sarah” 

  
  



	17. Nat's Turn

She was getting sick of waiting. She stared at the wall in front of her. Her eyes swept over the space, noticing the way the paint had begun to flake off. The apartment building needed work. She had to question why he chose to live here rather than the tower. What was it about this place that he couldn’t walk away from. She knew the answer, but did he realise? Exhaling aggressively she cracked her neck. She sat on the floor, her back against the cold wall. Her legs stretched out, ankles crossed as she allowed her head to fall back against the wall. She could hear the relentless rain hitting the window behind her. She didn’t know how long she had been waiting, but it was too long. Her ankle restlessly knocked against her other ankle as she could feel the frustration holding on strong to her. She had knocked and when there was no answer she decided to wait. He couldn’t have gone far. She wasn’t going down without a fight. She had stood by for too long and allowed behaviour to go unchecked. She had always tried to be the peacemaker, the carer and now there was a loose canon and she needed to put a stop to it. The uncertainty of the situation had the entire team on edge. Steve and you had been discharged from the hospital with baby Sarah. The three of you had spent the last week getting settled as a family. Natasha, Sam and Tony had kept an eye on the three of you to protect you from Bucky. When Bucky had stormed out of your room Sam had assumed he would have gone to the medical bay but he hadn’t. He had disappeared and it had been a week. No one had heard from him in a week. She shifted uncomfortable as she could feel the loss of feeling in her leg. She uncrossed her ankles and recrossed them. She sighed loudly and debated on giving up and coming back another time but she heard footsteps travelling up the staircase. Each thud carried the weight of his worries. She knew it was him. She placed her hands either side of herself and hoisted herself up. She watched the top of the staircase waiting to see her old friend appear. His head was hung low as he poured over the post in his hand. His jacket damp from the rain. She stood against his front door and watched him. Her eyes raked over his disheveled appearance. His eyes didn’t look up until he saw her feet standing at her door. He stepped back and his eyes travelled up her body stopping when she saw her eyes.

“Nat, don’t” he said as he tried to push past her and open the front door to his apartment. She held strong. Her arms folded and a scowl set on her face that terrified him. Throughout this entire situation Natasha had always been annoyed at him, she had told him off but this time her face said something different. She had a face like thunder and he was in no mood. She was furious with him. She was sick of his behaviour and even the silence that he had experienced from the team he still hadn’t learned anything. His behaviour towards you was disgusting and there was no valid reason for him behaving this way.

“Barnes. I am gonna talk. You’re going to listen” she almost growled her words at him. He nodded and she stepped back allowing him to open the door. The moment the lock clicked open Natasha pushed open the door and it smashed against the wall with a threatening thud. It bounced back and hit Bucky in the arm as Natasha stormed in. She walked in to each room and looked around. He stepped in and quietly closed the door behind him. The click of the door made Natasha stop and stare at him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. She called out “looking for evidence of another whore”. He recoiled at her words. He stood in the hallway as she conducted her search. He didn’t know what to say but he knew she would find no evidence. No one else was there. He was alone. He knew it. Deep down he was alone. He took cautious slow steps behind her before walking in to his living room. He set the keys down on the table and removed his coat before slinging it on a chair, next to hers. He stood and waited for her to join him. He listened as she went from room to room, opening the closet, opening the bathroom door and slammed it shut. She entered the living room and barked “sit” and he did as he was told. His head raised slightly as he watched her pacing from side to side in front of her. The energy that was radiating from her scared him.

“You will sit there and you will listen. If you even so much as let out a tear I swear I will kick your ass Bucky Barnes. Do you have any idea how angry you make me? Don’t answer that. I want nothing but silence from you. If I hear as much a snivel from you. It’s go time”

He nodded. He knew her threats were real and he wasn’t about to fight her. She inhaled and exhaled. She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. Her hands were shaking. She was unable to contain her anger towards him. He sat back on the couch and placed his hands on his knees. She joined him in the living room and paced in front of the silent super soldier. She set the bottle of water down on the coffee table and looked around the apartment. He had taken down all of the photos, except the ones that the team were in. Empty nails rested in the wall. The apartment looked sad, half empty a sign of his half life.

“Bucky Barnes, do you have any idea what your behaviour has done, not just to Y/N, but Steve, Sam, me?!?” she started and he opened his mouth. She turned to him and pointed her finger at him. “What did I say Bucky. Not a fucking word from your lips. First of all you have an affair, you break Y/N’s heart and then have the audacity to parade your whore in front of us all” he tried to open his mouth again and she continued “bah bah bah. If you saw a word, so help me god Bucky. After you throw a fit at Steve for dating Y/N you then behave appallingly when you come to talk to me about your space back in our lives, because you never clearly learnt your lesson. Sam tells you to stay away from her, leave her be and then you go and berate her, causing her such additional stress that you triggered labour. Who do you think you are? What on earth possessed you to go and see her!? You were warned to stay away.” he tried for a third time and she walked over to him and slapped him across the face. The sting burned in to his skin.

“NO. you shut up and listen. Fuck, Bucky. LISTEN for a god moment. You have sat there and played the victim. Like Lucy came over and seduced you, tricked you in to bed, and tricked you in to having an affair. You then break Y/N’s heart that she was a broken shell, but that wasn’t your fault was it?!? Then you bring Lucy to the party, and ruin it for everyone, but that wasn’t your fault again, was it?. AND THEN you decide to shout at a pregnant woman, you tried to compare your fucked up situation with her, and let me guess, that wasn’t your fault. You’re a real piece of work and I don’t know why Steve hasn’t put you in the ground. You need to learn that all of this'' and her arms signalled the empty space in front of her. “ all of this is your fault. Do you understand? Your actions, your behaviour and your basic disregard of the people who love and care for you.”

He was breathing hard. Doing everything he could to not let his emotion take control. She was right. Every single word. The regret and realisation of the truth hit him like a brick wall all over again, like it had in your room. He ran his hands over his face and he felt the world slip away from him. Every word. Every emotion washing over him. Why had he behaved the way in which he had? How could he have still been causing pain and destruction everywhere he went. He spent 70 years as the Winter Soldier causing pain and destruction where he was ordered to go, and now? Now that he had full control of his life he was still doing it. This wasn’t a time for tears. The sting of his face still throbbed. He was sure there would be a handprint and he would deserve it. He didn’t want Natasha to hit him again. The physical pain he felt was nothing compared to the emotional anguish taking hold of his mind and body, for the last week. For all the anger Steve had ever presented he had assumed it was bias towards Y/N but now his words and actions rang clear. He knew that the way he had treated Y/N caused him to wince, but it became clear that what he and you had had wasn’t real. He had never opened up, never let her in and now there was no chance that she ever would allow him another chance. He had used you for support, and for the love you so willingly gave him. The two of you had never stood a chance, because no matter what he told himself, he was still broken, and incapable of love. He had taken all of the love you had given him and thrown away any chance of real happiness because he felt that he had settled down too soon. He wanted to catch up on old time, the time he felt that he had lost but Lucy was never worth it. He never really loved anyone. He knew that now.

“And now you’re here. What are you plotting? Why haven’t you acted? Do you realise we are all on edge to protect them from you because you’re a loose canon! So what is it Buck? What are you planning?!” she called out and the words echoed in the room. He felt as if his blood had run cold. He stared at her, open mouthed. What had she meant by planning. She stood there in front of him, her arms folded across her body. The only sound was the aggressive manner in which she tapped her foot on the floor.

“Speak Buck. tell me what you’re planning!” she screamed at him and he flinched.

“I’m not planning anything” he stuttered out and she laughed mirthlessly. She had no reason to believe him. He shook his head as she laughed. She looked at him and watched as his hands gripped his knees tightly.

“You run off. No one has heard from you in a week and you have the audacity to sit there and tell me you’re staying away out of...what...decency?” she laughed again. She walked towards him. He leaned back against the couch in anticipation for the second slap coming his way. Truth be told he had stayed away because he didn’t know what to do. He had no words to say to Steve or to Y/N. The moment he had watched Steve tentatively caring for you had broken his heart in ways he didn’t think it was possible. He hadn’t realised what you had meant to him until he saw that you were no longer his. He missed the way you cared for him. The guilt pouring over him as he sat there and knew in his heart that he could never love you the way Steve did, and the words he had used to you had never really felt it, for anyone. The way you had looked in to Steve’s eyes and the smile across your face as Steve’s words reached your ears. You had never looked at Bucky like that. He didn’t know how to be near either of you. He looked up to Natasha looking for permission to speak and she nodded.

“I have nothing to say to them,” he mumbled. Natasha waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth twitched. She was livid at him. He sitting there lying to her face, he was definitely planning something and to lie to her face only riled her further.

“Bullshit” she spat at him.

“Nat. I am not going to do anything” he stuttered again and she laughed darkly. He couldn’t stand the sound. He shook his head and she pressed further.

“So after the bullshit you have pulled for nearly a year, you are telling me you’re not going to do anything? You find out it’s not Steve’s baby and you what? Now you walk away, now you’re respectful. Fuck you Bucky and just tell us. So we can talk you out of it, or fuck, physically stop you”

He allowed the tears that had been building flow from his eyes. She was right. The moment he had found out that it wasn’t Steve’s baby, and therefore his baby, he had felt nothing but sickness in his stomach. The way that she had looked at him, pure disgust. You were right. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how you were at any point. He was so consumed with his own life. He felt sick with guilt. He knew he had no right to want to be in either your life or the baby’s.

“Did you know?” he asked softly and she shook her head. “No. you don’t get to do this Bucky, we are not friends” she spat back at him. His words cut him deep, it was as if she had plunged a knife in to his stomach. He opened and closed his mouth, no words coming to mind. The words echoed, not friends over and over his mind.

“Bucky. Save us all the trouble and tell us what you’re planning, because I cannot stand here and believe you. You lost that right.”

“Nat you gotta believe me, I am not gonna do anything” he whimpered. She laughed in his face again.

“Bucky, why. Tell me why I should believe you!” she shouted at him and he flinched again.

“Because! Because I don’t deserve to be in their lives. They are happy and I will only mess it up. I cause pain wherever I go. Steve isn’t like that. Steve will look after them both better than I ever could. I can’t cause her more pain. I just can’t. You didn’t see the way she looked at me Nat. she hates me and she has every right.” he sobbed. The words ringing clear as day. Natasha stood shocked. Bucky had never said a truer word. No, he didn’t have a right to be in their lives. She believed him. He wasn’t in the apartment plotting. He was staying away, he was finally doing the right thing.

“You’re right. You don’t have a right to be in her life.” she told him. He looked up at her and she turned her back on him. He wasn’t going to be able to win her back round.

“You need to stay away Bucky, listen really carefully. You need to stay away.” she spat at him and he nodded.

“You will need to earn back both of their trust, for the sake of Sarah” she said and his eyes shot up to hers.

“It’s a girl?” he whispered and she nodded. He whispered “Sarah, just like his Mom’s name” Natasha nodded again.

“They aren’t going to stop you being a part of Sarah’s life, if that’s what you want. They were actually gearing up to tell you. Then you caused her so much distress she went in to labour early” she spat back at him, and then rolled her eyes at him.

“I want to earn back their trust” he muttered and she said “it’s going to take time, and for you to listen to me. You need to stay away. Let them settle, let them be the family they want to be. Let them come to you. Step up. Sort out your life out. Understand that we didn’t cut contact with you out of loyalty to Steve. We did it because you’re being an asshole. You need to earn back everyone’s trust Buck. I need you to understand that”

He nodded.

“Good. Talk.” she muttered and she picked up the jacket she had thrown to the chair and walked out the door. The slam of the front door echoed around the apartment, and in that moment he realised just how truly alone he was.


	18. Chapter 18

  
  


Her night of dancing had ended earlier than she expected and now the only thought on her mind was the softness of her bed. Noticing the time she knew everyone would be sound asleep so she made her way silently through the complex in search of her bed. She held her heels in her hands as she padded her way through trying to make no noise. The noise of her heels on the floor would have echoed throughout the tower and since Sarah’s arrival the goal of all of the Avengers was silence. She clutched her heels to her chest holding them tight as her bare feet relaxed on the cool floor. The muscles softening from being contained in heels which did pinch a little but she loved all the same. Once a month Natasha had a night of freedom. She would dress up and for one night she could pretend her life was normal and enjoy a night of dancing. She found a solace in dressing up someone else and for a few hours, as the bass in the club thumped she could move her body and pretend her life was simple. This wasn’t about meeting other people, it wasn’t about dating, it wasn’t about sex. She just wanted to feel normal. Wanda would go with her, and sometimes Sam but this evening she had been alone. She didn’t mind it though. On the rare occasion when she was approached and asked if she was the Black Widow, she would laugh and inform the inquirer that she wasn’t, but she had been told often she had a striking resemblance to her. It was harder to laugh off when she was with Wanda, or Sam but on her own she escaped the photos and videos and enjoyed anonymity. As she approached the elevator that would take her up to her bedroom she noticed the glow from the kitchen indicating that she wasn’t the only Avenger awake. It was 4am. There was no reason anyone should be in awake at this hour so she headed over to investigate. The ache in her feet reminded her that she should also grab a bottle of water to help with the eventual muscle ache. As she reached the doorway she could hear the soft tones of a tune being hummed, softly and full of love. She stepped in the doorway and her hand clutched her chest, almost dropping her heels on the tiled floor. Steve was leaning against the wall and gently rocking Sarah in his arms. His humming soothing her. She looked tiny being held in his large frame and he was oblivious that he had an audience. She watched as the humming stopped and his face broke into a smile. He held her close in his arms and moved from his standing place. He looked up to see his old friend watching him and the blush crossed his cheeks. He was at peace. The slumbering baby in his arms. 

“Hey Nat” he whispered and the smile crept across her face before settling in a smirk. She walked over to him and whispered, cooing at the baby. “Hi Steve, hi Sarah” as she looked at the slumbering baby cradled in his arm. She was small and Steve was able to hold her sleeping in one arm. The way in which Steve had assumed the role of father was with a gentle ease. She hadn’t seen much of the three of them. No one had. They had been living in their new family bubble. The team wanted to give them all the space and time to settle into their new lives together so any opportunity that Nat had to see Steve she was going to take it. “You on night duty?” she asked and he stared down at Sarah, unable to take his eyes off of her. Natasha couldn’t take her eyes off of the two of them. Sarah had been a part of all of their lives for a month, and Steve was nothing but a doting father. The two of them had an unbreakable bond. His love for her was clear to everyone. She missed their late night ice cream conferences. There was nothing that couldn’t be solved between the two of them and ice cream. She knew that this was a perfect moment to have another late night conference. 

“Y/N hasn’t been sleeping much and I have the knack to get this one back to sleep. I want Y/N to have the opportunity to sleep without this noise maker waking her up. She likes it when we walk” he told her in a hushed tone. Natasha walked over to the freezer and pulled out a tub of ice cream, and searched for bowls and spoons. He sighed and sat down in the chair next to the counter. He couldn’t remember the last time they had spent some time together. The last month of his life had been consumed by you and Sarah. He watched as Nat divided the ice cream into bowls and she slid it over to him. He held Sarah close against his chest as she slept heavily before reaching out for the spoon. As he gently began to eat the ice cream his eyes darted to Sarah ensuring she was sleeping soundly. 

“You’re really happy” she stated quietly as she loaded up her spoon with ice cream and ate as he watched Sarah. He looked to Natasha, and then back to Sarah before a smile broke out across his face, the joy etched on his face. 

“I am” he replied, his voice barely above a whisper. The two of them ate in silence, the only sound filling the room was the gentle contact of their spoons with the ceramic bowls. Steve dropped the spoon and nudged the bowl away from him. He looked over at Natasha who was taking her time just watching him being the doting father. The silence between the two of them reeked of tension. She knew what he was thinking and she desperately didn’t want him to ask her. She avoided his eyes and she knew what was coming. He wanted to ask. He needed to know. 

“Nat?” he asked softly and she replied with a hum. “Have you seen him?” he asked, the nervousness in his voice ringing out in the room. Natasha’s shoulders heaved and she placed the spoon back in the bowl delicately. She took her time to form her response. His eyes flittered between Natasha and Sarah. She placed her hands on the counter in front of her and took another deep breath. She had avoided this question in the last few weeks. You always being around had helped. Steve wasn’t going to ask about Bucky in front of you. Bucky had made no contact with him for a month now. Steve’s phone calls went unanswered and his messages unread. 

“I did. About three weeks ago. Don’t worry. I am keeping an eye on him.” she replied and nodded as he heard those words. 

“He won’t answer my calls or messages” he stated the sadness dripping from his words. Natasha was conflicted. She could see the effect Bucky’s silence had on Steve. She could tell him about her meeting with him, or keep him in the dark. Natasha knew that Steve would want to fix the problem. Try and fix the situation but on this occasion Steve couldn't fix the problem. Only Bucky could. The darkness visibly weighing on his mind. She needed to tell him. Steve’s sadness radiated from him, the confusion of Bucky’s disappearance and the subsequent silence was clearly distressing Steve. Natasha took a steadying breathe and began

“Look, Bucky and I had words” 

Steve looked up at her, his lip trembled at her use of “words” and her tone. She was matter of fact and little emotion attached to it. She had decided not to tell Steve about the conversation after discussing it with Sam. They were both in agreement to keep Steve in the dark because this was his chance to bond with Sarah and enjoy his relationship with you. Natasha knew that Steve would want to be with Bucky and support him, and for Bucky to grow and develop that last thing he needed was Steve coming to the rescue. Bucky needed the time away and Steve needed to concentrate on being your fiance, and Sarah’s father. Natasha watched as Steve processed her statement. He was struggling to comprehend what Natasha could mean by “words”. With every unanswered call, and message Steve blamed himself. He had convinced himself that Bucky hated him for the betrayal and for taking his place as Sarah’s father. He lacked the understanding that there was something larger going on. He knew he couldn’t read Natasha, he had learnt that years ago. He watched as she avoided his glare. He pulled his arm in closer to his body and felt the gentleness of Sarah’s breathing against his body and it steadied him. He watched as Natasha leaned back in her chair. The thought process running through her mind. He waited for her to continue. 

“I went over when no one had heard from him. Sam and I were worried he was going to pull another bullshit stunt. But.” she paused and exhaled. She knew that Steve was going to take it badly but she needed to tell him. “He’s ok. He is just taking some time away from us all” 

“What does that mean?” he asked, holding Sarah tighter to his body. Natasha’s eyes closed as she paused for a thought. “It means he has gone away. He’s safe but he is going to stay away. He’s doing it for Y/N, Sarah and you.” 

“I don’t understand Nat. he’s staying away? What does that mean?” he asked, confused. The thoughts racing through his mind. Where was Bucky?, what does time away mean? Did he hate Steve so much that he needed time away?

“Whatever happened between Y/N and Bucky before Sarah’s arri” Natasha continued but Steve interrupted her. “You mean when Bucky caused Y/N to go in to early labour? When he risked the life of her and Sarah?” he growled the words. The reminder of the argument that had risked your life caused the other thoughts of concern to flit out of his mind, and he was overcome with anger. He was not about to downplay Bucky’s irresponsible behaviour. He could have lost you, and Sarah because of Bucky. Natasha nodded, and repositioned herself. “Yes. well whatever happened something has sunk in. His behaviour in the past year has been deplorable, so he has left. He wants to be better and he can’t do that around us. He’s safe” 

“Left? Where? I don’t understand Nat” he asked, as he gently moved Sarah across to hold in both of his arms. The anger against Bucky subsided and Steve was yet again filled with concern for his oldest friend. 

“I don’t know. He checks in with me once a week. He just lets me know he’s alive.”

Steve stared at Natasha. He needed more information than confirmation that Bucky was alive. He nodded at Natasha, waiting for her to put his mind at ease with all of the information she knew. . “He knows that Sarah is biologically his” she stated, waiting for his reaction. Steve had suspected that this conversation was coming. He knew that announcing to Dr Cho that she was 8 months pregnant would out them both as liars. He had waited for Bucky to appear in the tower, for the words he deserved to be shouted at him but he never appeared. Then, with every unanswered call and text he knew Bucky hated him. Steve had chosen not to tell you that he knew the team had found out, or his concern about Bucky. But the longer he spent with you and Sarah, and occasionally seeing the team he was confused. No one had mentioned it to Steve. He knew they were going to do the maths, and know he lied. That Captain America had lied to his entire family for months and the betrayal that went alone with it. His head dropped as he expected Natasha to tell him the truth, how they were all disgusted at him for going along with this. Instead, Natasha walked over to him and placed her hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her with concern in his eyes. 

“Steve. We all knew. We knew all along.” the softness of her voice, and the kindness of her eyes put him at ease in an instant. 

“How?” he whispered, his head bowed in shame and guilt and she smiled at him. He looked up to see her smile and he returned the smile before looking down at Sarah. 

“Because, you would always be vague. You would only ever say we’re having a baby or we’re going to be a family. You never said you were going to be a father. But you know you are. We love you and support you, you know that.”

Steve had tears in his eye, and Natasha leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. 

“You’re Sarah’s dad. We all know that”

The tear rolled down Steve’s cheek at her words. 

“I didn’t want to deceive you all. Y/N and I really did fall for each other, and then she found out she was pregnant. She couldn’t face him and asked me if I would stand by her. I didn’t want to hurt Buck. I didn’t but my heart was telling me one thing, my head another. Does he hate me?”

“No. Not at all Steve. This is why he’s gone away. He wanted to respect you and Y/N and let you be a family. He knows that he has to earn back the trust he broke” 

Steve allowed her words to swirl around in his mind. Earn back trust. 

“Also. Y/N was clearly 8 months pregnant. It didn’t take a genius to work out she was showing far quicker than she should for how far along she was”

F.R.I.D.A.Y suddenly alerted the two of them “Captain Rogers, Y/N is in distress” 

Panic flooded his body and he looked at Natasha. She reached out and took the sleeping Sarah from his arms and he ran towards their bedroom. 

\------------

  
  


Your outstretched hand reached for him. Your blood ran cold as your hand felt the coldness of the sheets next to you. The room was pitch black. You rolled over and reached out searching the bed as the anxiety filled your body. You could feel the wave of panic wash over your head as your stomach began to cramp. You wanted to rationalise the emptiness of your bed but you were exhausted. You called out “Steve” as you tried to keep your voice calm but failing. You heaved as your breath became laboured but the anxiety rising through your body. Your call was unanswered. You rolled over and found the lightswitch to illuminate your bedroom. It was empty. The room was spotless. You moved deftly to the crib and found it empty. You cried out “Steve!” and still no response. The anxiety poured from you as you looked around. No sign of Sarah or Steve. 

“STEVE” you screamed as the door flew open and he ran in, Natasha cradling Sarah against her body behind him. He ran over to you and wrapped his arms around your body and your heart rate began to steady. 

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” Steve asked, his whole body pressed against yours steading you, and grounding you. Your tears flowed with ease and soaked his shirt. He held your body tight as your shoulders heaved with each sob. His grip on your back didn’t ease. He held you close and tight. 

“I woke up and you weren’t here, and neither was Sarah and I just panicked” you managed to stutter out with each heaving breath. Steve’s hand lifted from the tight grip against your body and slowly ran up and down your back, soothing you. You buried your face in his chest and almost began to burrow. You heard the words “Sarah’s here” as Natasha’s voice softly reverberated around the room. You pulled back and looked over to the doorway and noticed her, dressed up for a night of dancing holding Sarah close to her body. Sarah sound asleep and unbothered by the commotion you had caused. “Sarah woke up so we went for a walk. Nat and I had some ice cream and a chat. You’re safe. Sarah’s safe” Steve told you as you felt the tears drying up and you pulled back from him. His thumbs raised to your cheeks as he wiped away the last of your tears. You nodded at his words. You knew he was right. You were safe but there was a low level anxiety that had sat in the pit of your stomach but you couldn’t quite voice the concern. 

“Sweetheart. Let me put Sarah to bed and we’ll sit up and talk this through” Steve said, kissing the top of your head and you nodded. Natasha walked over and Steve expertly took Sarah from her arms and walked her to her crib. You looked over to Natasha and you were embarrassed about causing a scene, but you knew she wouldn’t judge you. She had seen you in far worse states. “Night” she mouthed to you before heading out of your apartment and closing the door behind her. Steve appeared at your side and walked you back to bed. You sat down and looked up at his stature, before looking down at your feet immediately. You didn’t want to talk to him about it. You didn’t want to admit that you were afraid that someone would take Sarah from you. You definitely didn’t want to admit you were worried that Bucky would be that person. He crouched down and placed his hands on your thighs and you felt the tears burning behind your eyes. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” his voice echoed concern, and love. Your hand rubbed gently across your eyebrows as you felt the tension headache starting to appear. You shook your head gently to say no, and you felt his hands run up and down your thighs, squeezing gently. You dared not to look at him. You couldn’t. 

“Bucky?” he whispered and your head shot up to look at his face. You searched his face and his eyes were filled with sadness. You knew it was irrational. But the silence from the Winter Soldier had you filled with unease. The two of you had not mentioned his name since Sarah’s birth, and you had lived in a beautiful bubble of nesting, and happiness.  “Bucky has gone away” Steve stated and you shook your head in confusion. “Nat just told me. Apparently he has gone away, he wanted to give us space." None of this made sense, other than it made perfect sense. Bucky had a history of running away from his problems and living in a dream world where people weren’t angry at him. 

  
  


\-----------

The stillness of his surroundings calmed him. He lay there and listened as the wind rustled the trees. The occasional chirp of birds telling each other stories broke the silence. The warmth of the sun in his face, the knots from the tree he rested his back against connected him to the world. He wanted peace. He wanted space. He needed silence. Wakanda was the only place he felt that he could escape to. He had healed here before. He felt safe. His routine was simple and other than the daily therapy sessions his time was his own for walking, reading and being alone with his thoughts. He would explore the hills and cliffs, wandering through the trees looking for a moment of calm. He found himself drawn to a small collection of trees which He could look out and stare in wonder at the beauty of Wakanda before him. The peace of his surroundings contrasted the noise inside his head. He reached down and picked up the leather bound notebook and pen that he had set aside hours ago. Thumbing through the pages he scanned the pages and absorbed the words he had written. The words that had poured from his busy mind. His therapist has told him writing down his thoughts would help. He had been skeptical in the beginning but as the words flowed he discovered how therapeutic it could be. He turned to a clean page and rested the book on his knee and began to pour his thoughts out onto paper. 

_ I am human. I make mistakes and these mistakes hurt those I love. I cannot control the actions and emotions of others, only my own. My mistakes are my own. I will become a better person. A person who is worthy of the love given to me. I seek forgiveness but I know actions speak louder than words. I want my actions to show how sorry I am for the pain and hurt. I went away to learn about myself, and why I keep hurting those around me. I am no father. She deserves the love. I cannot give that love.  _

He paused. He read the last few sentences aloud and ripped the page out of the notebook. At the top of the page he wrote Y/N and continued. 

_ When I used the words I love you, I thought I meant them. I did. I am beginning to understand that I am not able to love. I took the love you gave me and tried to replicate it because I now know that I never let people in. I don’t allow them to see me. I am incapable of love. I took the greatest gift that someone can give you, their devotion and love and mirrored it, thinking that was love. I was never there for you. I was never the partner you deserved. I betrayed your trust, and discarded your love out of fear. I have no excuses. I am working on being happy for you, as you are now loved how you deserve to be. You loved me when no one did. I want to earn your forgiveness for my actions, I want to be worthy of being in your life, and not just because of Steve or the team. I want you to be happy. I want you to have a happy life, with Sarah and Steve. I am working on myself, and I want to thank you for loving me, for the care, the kindness and support. I am sorry for every tear you shed that I caused, for every moment of pain that I caused you unnecessarily. This isn’t a letter to guilt you in to forgiving me. This letter is asking you to consider allowing me to earn back your trust, and forgiveness. I know actions speak louder than words, it’s why I have gone away. I want you to know that I understand why you lied, and I respect your family choice. I am not going to fight, I am not going to cause you or Sarah any more unnecessary pain.  _

_ I am truly sorry, and I hope this can be the first step to gaining your forgiveness but I understand if this is not possible.  _

_ Bucky  _

He read the page over and over again. He folded it and placed it in his pocket. Taking a deep breath he allowed his head to fall against the tree and he felt a little lighter. He had no belief that you would read the letter but he needed to try. He wanted you to know he was sorry, and wanted to earn your forgiveness but most of all he wanted to give you peace. Peace in the knowledge that you could build your family and that he was never going to come between you, and Steve. He was no father. He had thought about the way you had looked at Steve as you had entered labour. The way Steve cupped your face and asked you what colour to paint the nursery. Bucky knew in his heart that you had never looked at him that way. Your heart belonged to Steve and there was no better man in the world than Steve. The only thing Bucky wanted was the ability to be in Sarah’s life, to be in Steve’s life and to be in your life. He knew that it would be a slow process but it was one he was willing to do. He was ashamed that he thought you had cheated. The anger, the rage that had fuelled his body at you and how he had been ostracized by his entire family and there you had done the same. Sam holding him back, and telling him that you had lied, but not about your relationship. Overcome with shame he struggled to replay that memory. The guilt of the pain he had caused you that you had lied. He had grabbed your arm. He had shouted at you. He had caused you so much distress that he threatened the life of his baby, and you. He corrected himself out loud “steve’s baby” and continued to over think about his last interaction with both Steve and you. The ringing of his phone brought him out of his thoughts and he looked down to see Natasha’s face in front of him. He answered and watched as she stared back at him. He held the phone out further from his face so she could see him properly. He hated this new technology but the agreement with Shuri and T’Challa required him to keep his phone with him and answer calls from the team. He was not allowed to use Wakanda as a secret hiding place. He can use it to heal, but no isolating and hiding. Wakanda was never to be used as a place of shame. 

“Barnes, how are you today?” she asked as she set her phone on the side and began to potter around in the background. Bucky stared at the screen trying to work out what she was doing. He sighed and answered “better. I think. Dr Andrews is happy with my progress. I am not. I hate this. I hate finding out that I am broken, it’s not just the deprogramming but I am entirely broken” he finished and she nodded as she set a cup down and began to pour the water in. He watched as she completed the task of making herself a cup of tea. He waited with anticipation. She picked up the tea and took a sip of the hot liquid. Setting the cup back down she looked at the camera and told him “you’re not broken Bucky. You need to stop saying that. I am sure Dr Andrews would tell you off for that behaviour” and Bucky hummed in agreement, Dr Andrews had in fact only told him off again this morning for using the word broken to describe himself. “He told me again this morning. I know. I shouldn’t use that word but I can’t help how I feel”. 

“Bucky. Just give it time.” she said and he hummed in agreement. The two of them paused in silence for a moment. Bucky’s mind wandered to Sarah, Steve and you and he wanted to ask but was scared to. “How is everyone? I miss you” he asked cautiously and Natasha eyed him suspiciously. “Everyone is fine, but if you want specifics then yes, Y/N, Steve and baby Sarah are doing well” he nodded at her words. 

“Am I surprised that you had such great phone signal even when you’re in the middle of a rainforest in Wakanda?” Natasha gently laughed to herself as she looked at his surroundings. “Are you really surprised Nat. I’ll tell Shuri, she’ll enjoy a good laugh” The two of them laughed together and Natasha smiled as she saw the way Bucky’s face crumpled in a way that she had not seen for a long time, genuine joy. Maybe this time away was making a difference to him, and the old Bucky would reappear. 

“Same time next week?” she asked and he hummed in agreement and they bid farewell to each other. He placed his phone back in his pocket and picked up his belongings before heading back to the city. He needed to mail the letter immediately, before he lost the nerve. He wanted you back in his life, and this was the first step. 

  
  



End file.
